WHEN it comes to our everyday lives, so often, the focus is on our relationships with other people – our kids, partner, mates, siblings, parents or colleagues.
Which is all well and good, but everyone needs a break from the noise sometimes.
When we’re always surrounded by others, we can forget to look after ourselves, and that can mean skipping vital alone time to do the things that make us happy.
“While relationships are essential for good mental health, spending time alone is important, too,” says Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.
“It can increase our resilience, facilitate self-love, spark creativity by allowing the space to think freely, and provide an opportunity to connect with ourselves in a mindful, grounded way. This, in turn, strengthens our connection to others.”
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While some believe that the busier you are, the more quiet time you need, it’s also true that the more frazzled you feel, the less likely you are to carve out that time.
However, it is possible – you just need to confront what is stopping you…
Why you need alone time
Choosing to spend time on your own is very different to feeling lonely. “Loneliness is the feeling of being disconnected from others, which is why it is associated with negative emotions,” says Dr Touroni.
“Being alone can be a deliberate choice you find happiness in.”
Here are some negative thoughts that may be getting in the way of you nabbing some healthy alone time.
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“Growing up, being popular with our peers is a reflection of social status,” says Emma Reed Turrell, psychotherapist and director of The Therapy Loft.
“But as adults, we don’t have the same need for protection and we can learn to rely on ourselves more.
"We needn’t feel shame if we’re seen alone. It can be liberating!”
‘I’ll be bored’: “People-pleasers and those taught to put others first often lose touch with their own feelings and needs,” says Emma.
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“They don’t know what they enjoy any more, because they’re used to keeping others happy, or have learned to avoid conflict by saying ‘yes’ to whatever other people want.
"To start rediscovering the things that do bring you joy, try a few solo treats, such as going for a coffee and getting stuck into a book that’s been sitting on your bedside table for months, or take a trip to the cinema to watch that movie you really want to see.”
‘It feels selfish’: Taking an hour for yourself doesn’t mean you’re abandoning the kids – it teaches them a good lesson, too.
“We can’t be effective if we are depleted,” says Emma.
“Protecting time to invest in the things that fill you up will recharge you for what comes next. Saying no to others sometimes will teach them it’s OK to say no, too.”
‘I want to be alone, but not with my thoughts’: “I hear this a lot in the therapy room from people who have learnt to distract themselves from painful thoughts by keeping busy,” says Emma.
“Taking time to listen to the thoughts that creep in when you’re alone can shed light on what you really need.
"Also, by giving your fears your attention, you can seek out meaningful solutions.”
How to create alone time
Carving out time for yourself can be a challenge, but it is doable by taking active steps.
“I meet clients who have been waiting for a time, ‘when things slow down a bit’, or, ‘when the kids are older’, but that right time never comes,” says Mhairi Todd, AKA The Roadblock Coach.
“Coming to terms with that is empowering. You deserve to be cared for – and that has to start from you.” Her top tips for doing just that are:
Schedule, schedule, schedule: “With the same vigour you book the kids’ dentist appointments, work meetings and social engagements, put time into your calendar for you-time.”
Start small and achievable: “Choose something meaningful and achievable and work on keeping that consistent.
"Maybe it’s getting your partner to take the baby when he does the nursery run with your toddler, so you get 30 minutes’ peace in the house, or maybe it’s scheduling your work meetings from 9.15am, so you can have a coffee undisturbed first thing.”
Keep your promises: “When you’ve set the time aside, stick to it as you would an engagement with a friend.
"This is so important for building self-trust. Knowing you will keep your promises to yourself is powerful and affirming.”
Don’t overexplain: “If you have people-pleasing tendencies or feel selfish, it’s easy to overexplain, as if you’re trying to get someone’s blessing. Keep it simple and let loved ones know it is not a reflection on them.”
Pocket-Sized Moments Of Bliss
You don’t have to go all out and take yourself for dinner on day one. Start small with these solo activities:
Create a micro-spa: “Sit with shoulders relaxed and palms facing outwards.
"Take a slow breath in for a count of four, hold for two, breathe out for four, then repeat a few times to promote relaxation,” says holistic health practitioner Kate King.
“Try self-massage, too. There are pressure points across the forehead that feel amazing when gentle pressure is applied.”
Have an orgasm: “Orgasms can combat stress and be part of our self-care routine. Using a sex toy can help you to trail sensation all over the body,” says psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle at intimacy brand Lelo.
“Boost body positivity by using apps like Ferly, or watch ethical erotica such as Erika Lust’s work.”
Go for a dawn walk: “My favourite time of day is early morning, before the kids wake up. It’s so peaceful to walk somewhere with a view, sit with a coffee and watch the day begin.
“If that is tricky, try making the most of your lunch hour instead,” says Emily Taylor, a Hill and Moorland Leader.
“Solo walking is a great way to clear your mind.”
