THE rather distressing news is that you have one and a half minutes to live.
That’s just about enough time to make a cup of tea, but not quite enough time to drink it.
The Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists has released its Doomsday predictions again, as it does every year.
This is an imaginary clock which is supposed to tell us how long there is until Armageddon.
Last year the hands were set at 90 seconds to midnight.
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This year they’ve left them in exactly the same place.
And once again, this very unmerry bunch have made a mistake.
Probably because they have not the slightest grasp of geopolitics.
They are far more worried, these days, about climate change and Artificial Intelligence.
The Doomsday Clock was begun by the very people who created what would bring about our Doomsday — nuclear physicists.
Alarmed at the spread of atomic weapons, the clock was one catchy way of notifying the public, and politicians, that we were in great danger.
Back then, in 1947, the scientists were a highly intelligent bunch of people, all atomic specialists.
And the world was a very fraught place. With a new weapon to play with which very few people understood fully.
Backed into a corner
The hands of the clock were placed at seven minutes to midnight.
But since then the whole project has been hijacked by dim-witted, politically active lefties.
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One of the most prominent members of the board, for example, isn’t a scientist at all.
It’s Jerry Brown, the ultra-liberal former governor of California.
An awful lot of the rest are experts in climate change and viruses and so on.
And they have a political axe to grind.
Which is why, over the past 20 years, the Doomsday Clock has had its hands edging ever nearer to midnight.
This was always an absurdity.
So, for example, in 1962 the hands of the clock stood at seven minutes to midnight.
This was the year of the Cuban Missile crisis.
When the whole world genuinely did think we were going to be blown to kingdom come.
It is ridiculous to pretend that 1962 was not a far, far, more dangerous time than now.
Or, indeed, the rest of the Cold War, when the USA and USSR faced each other with more nukes than fatty Kim Jong Un could even dream of.
But on they went, defying rationality — so that in 2015 the clock read three minutes to Armageddon.
Utterly preposterous.
But by edging the hands ever closer to midnight, they’ve backed themselves into a corner.
There’s no wriggle room.
Truth is, the world today is far more dangerous than it was one year ago.
We have seen the Gaza crisis begin to spill into a general Middle East war.
China is menacing Taiwan more than ever.
And Putin is edging horribly closer to winning in Ukraine.
Iran is inches away from acquiring nukes.
But the Doomsday people are less interested in the actual state of the world than in making political points.
The clock should have moved closer to midnight this year.
But from, say, ten minutes to 12 to nine minutes to 12.
We are still in a very dangerous place. And war may be coming in the next few years.
But we are not there yet.
You really do have time to make that cup of tea.
WAR is approaching, according to the Chief of the General Staff, General Sir Patrick Sanders.
And he has hinted that, if necessary, we could face a call up to ensure the Army is at full strength.
Fair enough. I have an 18-year-old daughter. I’m sure she’d happily take on the Russkies.
As long as it’s after 2pm, by which time she’ll be up and have done her hair.
Rocket’s Ron of the greatest
A FEW hours after winning the UK Masters, snooker’s Ronnie O’Sullivan was off to Leicester to win the World Grand Prix.
“Rocket” has now cruised through the World Open qualifying rounds.
He has won everything there is to win.
And is still a league ahead of any of his rivals.
I’m sure he won’t give a monkey’s – but why has he never won Sports Personality of the Year?
There’s a strong case for saying he’s our most successful ever sportsman.
Not a smart choice
AN investigation into smart meters has shown some truly awful problems.
People being billed for houses hundreds of miles from where they live.
Ridiculous, outlandish charges.
And worst of all, it is impossible to get any sense out of the energy providers.
The Liddle household has been hounded on a weekly basis by the idiots at E.ON to get a smart meter.
Until the energy providers start treating their customers with honesty and decency they can stuff their smart meters where the sun don’t shine.
DOCTORS have been warning people not to use cotton buds to clean their ears.
It can cause serious long-term damage, apparently.
Very wise words. That is why I always use a Black & Decker 18V cordless combi drill for such operations.
There is occasionally a slight incursion into the brain.
But other than that, it does the job very well.
Doner stupid thing
THE Welsh Ambulance Service has revealed a selection of the 999 calls it received last year.
Some of which you might not necessarily class as genuine emergencies.
Such as the bloke who rang up and said: “Yesterday evening we had some kebab, and I might have had a little bit more than I’m used to, then this morning I’ve had a very painful stomach.”
There were plenty more like that.
Yes, the health service is underfunded.
And yep, the situation has been made worse by the huge net migration figures every year.
But jeez, you have to say, a lot of the problems are simply the case of people being thicker than a block of Davidstow Cheddar.
Simon, stand for SDP
A SENIOR Conservative MP has demanded that his party should have another leadership contest.
With Rishi Sunak at the helm the party faces extinction, according to Sir Simon Clarke.
He is a former No2 to Sunak at the Treasury.
And the current MP for Middlesbrough South and East Cleveland.
He said of the Prime Minister: “He does not get what Britain needs and he is not listening to what the British people want.”
Well, OK, Simon. I make you about half right.
But it’s not just about Rishi. It’s about your own party.
The public are sick of the Conservatives. For good reason, I should add.
Another chaotic leadership election?
Haven’t you had enough of them, mate? Don’t always work out too well, do they? Anyway, I’ve got a solution for you . . .
I’m standing at the next general election for the Social Democratic Party.
By coincidence I’m standing in . . . Middlesbrough South and East Cleveland, where I was raised and live now. It’s a marginal seat and you will lose it.
So here’s the deal. YOU stand for the SDP. I will stand down and campaign for you.
And you know that you are far closer to our political mindset than you are to your current party.
So, be brave and make the sort of change that could alter the political landscape entirely.
This offer lasts until midnight on Walpurgis Night. Take it, mate.
Plans derail
I WAS turfed out of a first-class train carriage to London this week because it was “reserved”.
At Darlington, the Middlesbrough FC side got on, heading for their Carabao Cup semi-final against Chelsea.
Hiring the whole carriage would cost around £20,000.
Sitting with ordinary folk may have landed them tips on not being beaten 6-1 – and saved them £15k.
