MUM-OF-THREE Cassandra Baker says having a baby when most women are going through the menopause isn’t selfish, no matter what others may think.
UNABLE to believe my eyes, I did numerous pregnancy tests – and when the TENTH was also positive, I finally accepted my dream had come true.
Despite odds of around one per cent, I had conceived a third baby and was going to be a mum again at 46.
It was undoubtedly a cause for celebration.
Bringing a new life into the world is nothing but a selfless and joyful act — but I also knew others would judge me for my age.
From tongue scraping to saying no, here are 12 health trends to try in 2023
And I didn’t care.
This week, BBC Breakfast and 5 Live presenter Rachel Burden revealed she felt “really selfish” after having her fourth baby at 41.
Rachel, now 49, told The Mid-Point podcast with Gabby Logan, that she had persuaded her husband Luke Mendham to have another child once the older three were at school.
She explained: “I had three very sort of straightforward pregnancies and made the terribly arrogant assumption I’d have a fourth baby and it would be fine and straightforward.”
But she ended up suffering with the life-threatening condition pre-eclampsia and baby Henry had to be delivered prematurely, at 31 weeks, weighing just 3lbs.
When I heard Rachel’s comments, I felt sad that any older mum would feel that way.
I’m the polar opposite.
Having my little boy Xavier, who is now ten months, is the best thing I could have done — not just for me, but for him and my older kids, Saffron, 12, and George, 11.
I’ll be 48 in December and I truly believe I’m a better mum because of my maturity and life experience.
I also feel like my later-life pregnancy was meant to be, because if your body can conceive, you’re not too old to have a child.
How to de-clutter if you have a beauty stash to last you a lifetime
It’s just risk-averse doctors and strangers who think that.
Births to over-forties are double those in their teens, whereas half a century ago there were nine times as many teen mums as forty-something ones.
It shows that women are still physically fit and capable long past what society would say is “acceptable” — even though no one judges older men for becoming fathers, like Robert De Niro who, at the age of 80, has welcomed his seventh child.
Nor do I judge other mums who might have taken different routes to have babies in their 40s or even 50s.
I don’t know the circumstances of their conceptions but Tana Ramsay recently gave birth to sixth child Jesse James at 49, while TV’s Victoria Coren Mitchell had her second at 51.
Good for them, I say.
They are in stable relationships, are financially secure and clearly want to be mums.
What more could a baby need?
I thought my own pregnancy might never happen, after trying for a while with my husband Danny, 45.
I’d already had two children in my thirties, but I’d always dreamed of a big family and as I reached mid-life, I just didn’t feel complete.
Reaching 45 was a major turning point for me.
I thought: “It’s now or never. If I don’t do it now, it’ll be too late.”
Friends were going through the menopause and I already had telltale symptoms, such as erratic periods, hot flushes and mood swings.
I felt like I had a ticking clock in my head and I started to panic that I had left it too late.
I really wanted to have a baby with Danny too.
He is an engineer and we met online in April 2020.
I told him soon after: “Don’t date me unless you want to get married and have children.”
We’d started trying after our wedding in January 2022.
I knew I had enough love and energy for another child, I knew my body was strong enough to carry a baby.
I had never been in such good physical shape. I was fit and healthy, walking miles each day.
My philosophy is that if you think young, you stay young, both physically and mentally.
I knew I had enough love and energy for another child, I knew my body was strong enough to carry a baby
Cassandra Baker
A few months passed and nothing happened.
It made me feel old, over-the-hill and ready for the scrap heap.
I considered going to a fertility clinic, but my research suggested it was pointless.
There was a tiny chance of falling pregnant with my own eggs and most clinics wouldn’t treat anyone older than 45.
I didn’t want to pay a huge amount of money for an appointment just to be told there was nothing they could do.
But after ten months of disappointment, I finally got that positive result — then booked a private scan, which showed I was seven weeks’ pregnant.
I’d kept the fact we were trying a secret, but started telling people our news straight away.
Most were delighted, but some were shocked and unsure how to react because of my age.
A few said: “Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”
And one of Danny’s friends said to me: “Well done, you’ve still got it in you.”
Lots of people presumed I had IVF and were surprised when I explained it was natural.
Luckily no one accused me of lying about it, and no consultants or midwives I saw made me feel uncomfortable.
It’s not a given you’ll have a tough pregnancy in your forties
Cassandra Baker
When I told them how old I was, they said it was remarkable because the odds are less than one per cent.
While Rachel unfortunately had difficulties in her pregnancy, mine was compilation-free, although I had additional scans due to being an older mother.
The women I saw on the wards who had things like gestational diabetes were ten years younger — and overweight.
Poor health can be a problem at any age and the statistics the doctors scare you with are based on averages.
Poor health can be a problem at any age and the statistics the doctors scare you with are based on averages.
It’s not a given you’ll have a tough pregnancy in your forties.
Just like it’s not a given you’ll have poor health in later life.
I ate healthily, with lots of salmon and spinach, took vitamins and went on lots of walks.
To be honest, I’d never felt better.
I even cut back my hours as a beautician to reduce stress and be in perfect shape for my baby.
In June last year, doctors induced me at 37 weeks as Xavier was no longer gaining weight.
After an 18-hour labour, I had a vaginal birth at the Princess Royal Hospital in Bromley, Kent. and my son was born weighing 5lb 3oz.
Me and Danny call Xavier our “angel baby”.
He has brought us so much joy and really bonded us. My older kids dote on him too.
I’m enjoying motherhood so much, despite the horror stories about exhaustion.
I’m definitely calmer and more stable than I was in my thirties, with more emotional intelligence.
Xavier gets the best bits of me in a way Saffron and George didn’t always.
I try not to worry about potentially not being around to see Xavier marry or have children — or being the oldest mum at school drop-off
Cassandra Baker
I’m more financially secure and stable, though you shouldn’t let money put you off being a mum.
I don’t sweat the small stuff, I know to treasure each day with him.
I try not to worry about potentially not being around to see Xavier marry or have children — or being the oldest mum at school drop-off.
I did think about how when Xavier is 20, I’ll be 66 and nearing pension age.
But I try to put this out of my mind because I have lots of energy and don’t look or act my age.
It’s all about how you feel, not the candles on the cake.
I’d urge any woman wanting to expand or start a family in her forties to go for it. Don’t be scared or put off by the risk factors.
We had a positive experience — so much so, we’re open to getting pregnant again, should it happen.
If your body is able to get pregnant, you are more than capable of being a mum to a baby.
Your age isn’t what defines you. The best thing a child can be is loved and wanted.
My son most certainly is that.
'I FEEL SELFISH FOR GIVING BIRTH AT 48'
Mum-of-one Rachel Rigby, 52, from East London, has a different view to Cassandra.
While she loves her daughter Maria, four, she does question her motives for having a baby at 48 - and the impact it will have on her little girl's future. She says:
They say you’re only as old as you feel – and when I decided to chance getting pregnant in my late forties, I felt at least ten years younger.
I had IVF to implant a frozen embryo I’d banked while waiting for Mr Right to show up, knowing the odds were low and it may not work.
The result was my daughter Maria, born in July 2019 by planned c-section, when I was 48.
My mum was horrified – she’d been 18 when I was born. But I wasn’t concerned, because this child would be so loved.
Now I worry that desire was a selfish one on my part.
I had been so focused on how to get pregnant and the logistics of caring for a baby. The two decades of raising a child to adulthood weren’t on my radar.
I guess if they were, many of us would never start.
This hadn’t been my plan. I’d married but then my husband decided he didn’t want kids and we divorced in 2014.
Dating hadn’t led to a suitable prospective father for my child, so this was my last chance to fulfil my dream.
I also reasoned that because my parents had been young having me - just 18 and 19 - they were still a 'normal' age for grandparents.
It was only last year when I developed health problems that I started to question my motivations and what they might mean for my little girl, who was starting school.
I'd also been experiencing menopause symptoms and generally felt my years.
I worried about Maria’s future, especially if I wasn’t around. The thought of her being alone in this world devastated me. Had I been selfish having a baby so late?
The more selfless choice would have been adopting an older child in need of a loving home.
But my age and relationship status would have been stacked against me – there were no guarantees I’d qualify. I also wanted the ‘experience’ of pregnancy and birth.
Staying fit and healthy so I can see Maria grow up is a worry that keeps me awake at night.
I made this decision for my own needs and now I need to focus on hers. If I can make it to 80, she will hopefully be stable and secure as an adult.
There’s also the cost of childcare at a time when I should be saving for my pension.
I don’t regret my choice. How could I? But I can now see how having a baby so late isn’t necessarily fair to your child, no matter how much you want and love them.