09 May 2024 , 12:34
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Gemma Collins has bravely faced a barrage of pain and trauma away from TV screens.
The former The Only Way is Essex star found fame thanks to her iconic diva antics and tumultuous on-off relationship with co-star James 'Arg' Argent. But behind the comedy and drama, Gemma, 43, has endured dark struggles in her personal life and has been open about the pain she's suffered.
The Celebrity Big Brother contestant has had to say a devastating goodbye to two babies, suffering losses in 2012 and 2020. During a candid podcast interview this week, Gemma sobbed as she explained that she had terminated a pregnancy following doctors' advice over concerns for her baby.
Gemma has been open about her difficult experience of trying to be a motherAbortion and affair
Gemma recently recalled the trauma that came with discovering that she was pregnant some years ago. She said on the Everything I Know About Me podcast this week: "They said to me 'something's not right'," adding: "They said to me 'oh your baby could be, from looking at it, [intersex]'.
She further commented: "You can imagine I didn't know what the word was. I had to look it up. I'd never been taught about [being intersex]. So that was a real shock." Gemma went on to say that there were concerns for the baby at the time, adding: "Then they advised me 'you need to have a termination'."
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According to the NHS, 'intersex' is a term preferred by some for 'differences in sex development' (DSD). Roughly 150 children are diagnosed with intersex traits every year in the UK. Most people with DSD are healthy, but in rare cases, being intersex has been associated with some health conditions.
Gemma said that it was "very sad" but was "just not meant to be" and came at an already challenging time in her life. Hours after she had the termination, Gemma discovered her boyfriend at the time was having an affair. Although not naming the stockbroker, she said he was having a fling when she told him the news.
"I was really heartbroken. I was pregnant and he was having an affair. I remember going to the doctors on my own as he was too busy with his hair colourist," she said. I told him about the abortion and he's downstairs watching 24. I can't watch it, it still triggers me. I just remember saying 'I've just had an abortion and you are sitting watching TV, you piece of s**t.'
"The next day he is flying to Ibiza and then tells me I have two weeks to get out of the house. I then went down his phone and saw he was messaging a girl called Claire. He had pretended that he had sold his car to her. I saw read and tried to throw his passport down the drain. I was so hurt and shocked, but she left him years later."
She started self-harming in school and used it as a 'coping mechanism' to deal with fame (Collect)Self-harm
For 20 years, Gemma struggled with self-harm, revealing in her documentary, Gemma Collins : Self-Harm and Me, that she used it as a 'coping mechanism' to deal with the pressures of her new-found fame. She told how she first started self-harming at school and kept it a secret from those around her.
Explaining that she wanted to do the show to get some answers, Gemma said: "I don't know why I self-harmed, I don't know where it came from. I don't understand it. This is why I'm making this documentary, I want to finally put it to bed."
Speaking to fiancé Rami Hawash, she recalled how he caught her 11 years ago, when they were previously dating. Gemma said: "It was never about you, it was never about any of that. It was to do with me."
She continued: "I never wanted to kill myself, that never went through my head. It was like a coping mechanism for me. In the back of my mind because obviously we do want to go on to, you know, have a baby and stuff. I feel very happy with you and very settled with you and I think always in the back of my mind, you think, 'Oh s**t, is it going to come back?'"
Although she hasn't self-harmed since her early thirties, Gemma said she continued to hurt herself in other ways. "After my thirties I think I went onto a different sort of harm with bad partners, bad relationships with food, it's all different types of self-harm," she added.
In her 2013 autobiography, Basically... My Life As An Essex Girl, Gemma previously told how she turned to food and started 'self-medicating' with calories after a relationship breakdown. "Every time I felt an emotion I would eat to block it. Food gave me a high. I had always been slim so I never felt guilty," she explained.
Gemma Collins breaks down in tears and left shaking with emotion on holiday
"I started to fixate about food. It became a focus away from the grim reality of my situation. I would think about it from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to bed. I had low self-esteem. I was suffering and without realising I morphed into a bigger person," she said. "I went from being a thin girl who never had a weight problem and was a constant size 10 to a girl who couldn't stop growing."
Gemma has struggled with her weight and 'self-medicated' with food (Publicity Picture/Ebury Press)
Gemma suffered a miscarriage in 2012 before attending the NTAs (PA)Miscarriage
Gemma endured another major trauma in 2012 when she suffered a miscarriage on her landing at four and a half months pregnant. The star, who was in a relationship with a city banker at the time, didn't realise she was expecting when she started suffering crippling stomach pains.
Gemma, who has often talked about how she wants to be a mum, said on her BBC podcast : "I actually gave birth to a child, sadly, and basically the child was four months old. Basically, I had a miscarriage but obviously the baby was formed and it died in front of me."
She continued: "I'll never forget it, it was a very traumatising experience because I didn't know I was pregnant and literally I remember waking up with severe pains and my mum said to me, 'Gemma you need to go to the toilet,' and I was like, 'Honey, this is not…' I mean obviously I couldn't describe…"
Just hours later, despite being in 'utter shock', the brave star hid her pain to walk the red carpet at the National Television Awards. However, she now finds strength in being able to share her story with others, adding: "I've been through a lot and dealt with a lot, but I'm grateful for those experiences because I can sit here today and relay them to other people."
- If you have been affected by this story, advice and support can be found at the Miscarriage Association. You can call them on 01924 200799 or email .
- The Samaritans is available 24/7 if you need to talk. You can contact them for free by calling 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or head to the website to find your nearest branch.