28 May 2024 , 17:38
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Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my forties and had been married for six years when my wife walked out and moved in with another guy who was part of our friendship group. This was 18 months ago, and I was beyond devastated.
In a nutshell, she’s the love of my life so when she came back at the start of this year saying she’d made a mistake and it wasn’t going to work out with this guy because he was too much like her first husband (arrogant, loud, flashy, unreliable and volatile), of course, I welcomed her back with open arms. no more questions asked, and made a real effort to make things romantic and fun, and to show her how crazy I am about her.
For a couple of months, things were good and I thought we’d be OK. She told me how bad she felt about hurting me and said she’d never do it again. I felt so connected to her and our sex life got a boost, too. But, it didn’t last and now I feel hurt and stupid all over again. She went back to the other guy and says it’s for good this time, so the next stage is divorce.
My self-esteem is in the gutter and I don’t know how to move on. My friends and family literally despise her and are going to all sorts of lengths to make sure she stays away. How can I move on? I have very little self-esteem and zero confidence.
Coleen says
You don’t want to live your life walking on eggshells and feeling constantly insecure, waiting for your partner to leave again.
'I never share a bed with my husband - it keeps our sex life spicy'
You deserve so much better and now you have the chance to find genuine happiness with someone else if that’s what you want. I don’t believe there’s just one person out there for us. I promise you that one day you will look back on this period in your life and thank your lucky stars she left you because you will have made a better life and will no longer be feeling heartbroken and insecure or at the mercy of an unreliable partner.
Yes, it’s hard to accept a relationship is over when you’re still in love with the other person and it’s going to hurt for a while. You can’t avoid it, you have to go through it and feel it and, with the support of friends and family, you will heal and come out the other side.
You’re not stupid. You were in love and generous enough to give your ex a second chance and she blew it. But don’t let there be a third chance. Make the decision now not to be the person she keeps running back to when things get tough. It sounds as if she’s drawn to the drama around a certain type of man or relationship.
But who cares? She’s made her choice and she can live with it. Now you must stay really focused on the future.