Sometimes you just want to rage at everything.
The bus is late, the kids won’t get ready for school, your partner has forgotten to pick up milk (again)…
No wonder you reach breaking point.
Factor in the state of the world and it’s amazing any of us manage to get through the day without screaming.
But while a report from the Mental Health Foundation found that 12% of us struggle to control our anger, 28% worry about how angry they feel sometimes, and 64% believe people in general are getting angrier, it’s not all bad news.
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“Anger is one of the most helpful emotions, provided you can learn to work with it,” says Relate counsellor Gurpreet Singh.
Read on to find out how to harness that steam spouting out of your ears…
Get To Know Your Anger
“You can’t process what you can’t recognise,” says Gurpreet.
So be aware of what anger looks like for you.
Most of us know about a racing heart and clenched fists, but some symptoms you might not recognise could include:
- Tense muscles
- Crying
- Impaired judgement or not thinking clearly
- Feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, resentful, humiliated or defensive
- Weak legs
- Urgently needing the bathroom
Understand Where It’s Coming From
Next, you have to work out what’s making you angry – and it may not be as obvious as you’d think.
“It’s not uncommon to find that when you think you’re angry about something, you’re actually angry about something else,” says Gurpreet.
“You might be arguing with your partner over the dishes, but it could actually be that the anger is about unfairness in the relationship.”
And anger may have accumulated without you realising.
“For people who’ve gone through a lot of injustice, anger can pile up.
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"Sometimes you don’t even know how much you’re carrying.”
The key is taking time to reflect.
“Counselling is a great way to understand yourself,” explains Gurpreet.
“When you get in touch with your feelings, you get in touch with your anger, too.”
Visit Relate.org.uk to find a counsellor near you and free resources.
For talking therapies and mental health support, speak to your GP.
Sometimes You Should Be Angry
There are times when anger is perfectly reasonable, and you shouldn’t ignore it.
“Denial of anger is much worse than feeling it, because you’re suppressing it versus learning to understand that anger is there for a reason,” warns Gurpreet.
“Anger is supposed to energise you, to help you stand up and do things you are unable to do without it.”
Imagine a colleague who hasn’t done any work gets promoted, and you – who has done all the hard work – doesn’t.
“That injustice will create anger, as it rightly should, because somebody is getting something that you are entitled to,” says Gurpreet.
The same goes for other injustices, like climate change, the cost of living crisis, war, racism, sexism and more.
“These are hard and they rightly make us angry,” says Gurpreet.
Act On It In A Healthy Way
The key is processing your anger in a responsible way.
“Rather than smashing up your desk, talk to your boss and ask: ‘Can we speak about my promotion?’” says Gurpreet.
Try not to lash out. We often end up wanting to blame someone when we’re angry.
“Although somebody may have done something to cause the anger, you can still address it in a healthy way,” says Gurpreet.
“Talk to people and try to balance what is making you feel that way.
“When it comes to global issues, protesting, for instance, is a rightful way to process that anger – you’re sharing it and doing something proactive.
But when protests turn violent or you start exploding, then it’s no longer about being assertive, it’s just letting frustration out.”
In certain cases, no one is at fault and it’s a matter of finding acceptance.
“Being diagnosed with an illness can make you angry and left asking: ‘Why me?’
"You won’t have the answer, other than learning to accept it,” says Gurpreet.
That could come through counselling, focusing on hobbies, finding small daily joys in life and joining support groups.
Don’t Let Your Anger Speak For You
Whatever you do, don’t act in anger and don’t direct your full wrath at anyone.
“You’re bound to say something hurtful and act in ways that are not helpful,” says Gurpreet.
“Even if you’re right, it doesn't give you permission to treat people harshly.”
Instead, count to 10 to give yourself a few moments to calm down, understand your anger and think about what you want to say calmly.
“Don’t let the anger do the talking for you,” warns Gurpreet.
You can let your anger out without directing it at anyone.
“Scream into a pillow, have a cry, go for a walk or burn off the adrenalin,” says Gurpreet.
“But none of these will be effective unless you also figure out what’s creating the anger.
"Let’s say I feel injustice about my workplace. I go for a jog and burn the energy off.
"But I’ve still got to go to work tomorrow. Unless I figure out how to be assertive at work, how’s any of that going to go away?”
When To Seek Professional Help
You may not know that your anger has crossed a line, or that you need help.
Mike Fisher from The British Association of Anger Management, says: “There’s a point where people in your life are no longer willing to tolerate your behaviour.”
Your partner, boss or family might say they’ve had enough, they may even leave, or fire you.
In serious cases, health issues can arise and social and police services could even become involved.
Often, anger is a response to previous trauma, and his six rules of anger management can prove helpful in breaking that pattern:
- Stop, think and take a look at the big picture.
- Remember it’s OK for people to have different opinions.
- Listen deeply – to yourself and others.
- Use your support network.
- Write an anger journal.
- Try not to take things personally.
See Your GP
Suddenly finding yourself getting angry for no reason could be a sign
of an underlying condition such as depression, anxiety or perimenopause.
If you’re worried, seek professional help.
