'I've annoyed my mum by bonding with my secret half-sister from Dad's affair'

03 July 2023 , 16:00

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Reader is really grateful to have found her sibling (Image: Getty Images/Westend61)

Dear Coleen,

A few months ago, I discovered I have a half-sister from an affair my dad had when he was married to my mum. Although I suspected he was no saint and there were always rumours about his colourful life (he passed away a few years ago), I had no idea he’d fathered a child, and my mum didn’t know either.

She kicked my dad out when I was about 10 and they divorced, which was sad for me, but I understood her reasons later in life. He was great fun and a huge character, but he was never faithful or reliable.

I’ve really connected with my sister and, growing up as an only child, I feel so grateful I have a sibling.

We’ve met up several times, once with our boyfriends, and we’re in touch every week. It feels easy with her, like we’ve known each other for ever. We even look alike – she resembles our dad and so do I.

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However, while her mother encouraged her to find me, my mum has been less ­enthusiastic. I understand she was hurt by my dad’s affair all those years ago, but this feels like a chance to take something positive from it. She’s not playing ball, though, and says I can do what I like, but she won’t get involved.

What do you think?

Coleen says

I think you should carry on seeing your sister and building a relationship, but also be ­sensitive to your mum. Look, it’s bound to take her a while to get her heard around this new sister appearing out of the blue. And it’s not only a shock, it’s very triggering.

This information will be raking up lots of memories and emotions from her life with your dad.

You have to remember, your dad’s behaviour hurt your mum when they were together and this is another thing she’s not known about. It’s another huge thing he lied about and that’s very painful and difficult to come to terms with. If you do talk about it, try not to get angry with her, Remind her that none of this is your fault or your sister’s fault, and now you are connected, there’s no going back because you’re family and you want to know her.

I agree, it is a wonderful discovery for you and your sister. I had a half sister I never met, but would have loved that opportunity.

Your mum might also need a little reassurance that this great girl who’s come into your life isn’t going to take any love and companionship away from her.

Take it slowly with your mum – talk to each other and be mindful of where she is at with it all.

Coleen Nolan