IN weeks such as this, you think there’s nothing left that can possibly shock you.
Then, on Sunday night, Zoe Ball bounced into view with a damning statistic and an invitation to kill.
“If you’re one of the 65million people across 50 countries who’ve seen Mamma Mia! the musical,” she beamed matter-of-factly, “You’ll know exactly who Sophie and Sky are.”
“And if you’re not . . . ?”
Then you’re probably a heterosexual male who took one look at Pierce Brosnan singing SOS in the film version and thought: “You have to be s***ting me, right?”
From tongue scraping to saying no, here are 12 health trends to try in 2023
Television, though, isn’t made for our demographic, so ITV has lumbered us all with Mamma Mia! I Have A Dream where, as Zoe hinted, they’re looking for two eager young shriekers to play Sophie and Sky in a West End version of the show.
Why the production couldn’t do its own dirty work and spare us all the earache wasn’t explained here, but as Big Brother has demonstrated, ITV is in full “bring back” mode at the moment and this show will be familiar to anyone who watched BBC1’s How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? or any of the three other musical recruitment shows the Beeb made back in the Noughties.
Howl and yap
Where it differs is the setting (Corfu rather than a studio) and the elimination process, which has no role for the public until Mamma Mia! reaches the final, seven weeks from now.
Until that point we’re meant to put all our trust in a panel of West End experts who include singers Amber Riley, Jessie Ware and Samantha Barks, whose name is much worse than her bite.
Sadly, that goes for the other two as well, who couldn’t sound more disengaged from the process and never move beyond those three basic audition cliches: “You nailed it”, “I love your energy” and “You’re a triple threat”.
This is clearly not just my opinion.
ITV obviously hadn’t got total faith in the three of them either so they also sent in Alan Carr, who is TV’s equivalent of the canary down a mine in that he might just save a bad show from total disaster, but it won’t dent the network’s share price if the whole thing blows up in their faces.
You could tell the scale of the transformation he had on his hands here, though, by the earnest way he said: “People might be surprised to see me as a judge but, you know what? I know what’s good.”
Which is fighting talk for a man who made The Singer Takes It All — the first and last ever live karaoke show set on a conveyor belt.
For all the bullish attitude, however, Alan’s as forgiving and bland as the other three judges with the 14 contestants, who are a mixed bunch.
How to de-clutter if you have a beauty stash to last you a lifetime
On the girls’ side there are three wonderful voices belonging to Maisie, Desmonda and Stevie, who could definitely fill the role of Sophie.
While on the boys’ side, they howl and yap and croak like the holding zone at a Pyongyang deli.
It’s not entirely their fault, of course.
Abba’s beautiful bitter-sweet songs were no more meant to be sung by men than Motorhead’s back catalogue was meant to be sung by Jane McDonald.
Sob stories
The difference here being, I would genuinely love to hear Jane have a crack at Ace Of Spades, while gliding into Gdansk harbour on board the Crystal Serenity.
But I could not stomach a single second more of Mamma Mia! I Have A Dream, even if it does come with one huge compensation.
SAS: Who Dares Wins, “TV’s toughest show”, is littered with sob stories.
Mamma Mia! — arguably the campest show on TV — has none, if we exclude Liah revealing: “I come from Redcar.”
It’s so admirably devoid of self-pity, in fact, that Marcellus barely gets a shrug from the musical directors when he tries to pull the old “throat infection” line.
It’s not enough to keep me watching, though, because I’ve already been told my presence isn’t welcome by the voting arrangements and Jessie Ware, who started the show by saying: “I’m very suspicious of people who don’t like musical theatre and cut them out of my life.”
Hint taken.
And Hasta Manana, ’til we meet again.
Matt's call of booty
AFTER four gruelling weeks of strength-sapping sob stories, viewers were finally rewarded with the moment they’d all been waiting for on Sunday’s fifth episode of Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins.
Gina Coladangelo’s video call from home to a “thriving” Matt Hancock, who greeted his lover with some characteristically ill-chosen words.
“Can you guess what my hardest thing has been?”
I think she’s got a fair idea, Matt.
We all have, after being subjected to footage of that CCTV snog in the Department of Health – and we don’t thank you for any reminders.
Hancock, though, is genuinely thriving and threatening to win the damn thing as he’s made it to the final six, having this week seen off Love Island’s Montana Brown, Arg from Towie and comedian Zoe Lyons who, just before she was withdrawn, said: “Men shouting in my face, sleep deprivation and s**t food
“That was the first five years of me doing stand-up comedy. I got through that, how s**t can this be?”
It’s fairly similar, Zoe, but doesn’t feature your stand-up comedy, so it’s actually a vast improvement.
Windrush rubbish
GEAR-CRUNCHING political agenda aside, the trouble with ITV’s Windrush drama Three Little Birds is the overbearing presence of Lenny Henry, who’s not just in the cast, he’s written it as well – and made every single character sound a lot like him putting on a Jamaican voice.
With the result?
When the three women find themselves booked into a fleapit B&B and Aston is cut off mid-apology, it’s not empathy, anger or pity I really sense, it’s Lenny’s outstanding contribution to the hospitality sector.
“I’m sorry, Gregory said the accommodation was all sorted. I’ll make sure we get a . . .”
Premier Inn, “the same feeling . . . whatever the trip”.
Dull ache
WATCHING Ferne McCann: My Family And Me, I discover being pregnant “feels like this dull ache around the anus”.
So, exactly like watching Ferne McCann: My Family And Me, then?
Weasel-faced interrogation
INCIDENTALLY, if you do nurse any ill-feeling towards Matt Hancock, I’d urge you to watch Sunday’s gob-smacking episode of Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, where he collides head-on with interrogators Debs and the man they call “Dilksy”.
The question, “What kind of arrogant c-sucking answer is that, you weasel-faced c?” is about as polite as it gets. (Channel 4, Sunday, 9pm).
Big Lies
GREAT Big Brother lies and delusions of the month.
Farida: “I might be inspiring somebody to live their best life.”
Trish: “The way I look at it is you’re loved by everyone, Henry.”
And AJ Odudu: “Women supporting other women. We love to see it.”
Yeah, course you do.
Now on with the women bitching about other women.
Victim Henry
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Last visible in 1986 and not due to appear again until 2061 . . .”
BZZZZZ.
Is it a year without a grovelling TV tribute to Lenny Henry?
Great sporting insights
PAUL Merson: “Betting against your own team brings the game into disrecruit.”
Clinton Morrison: “I don’t know how Spurs aren’t 3-0 up. I’m gonna tell you how.”
Nasser Hussain: “It was another disappointing day for England to enjoy.”
Unexpected morons in bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which Home Secretary was born Sue- Ellen Fernandes?”
Darragh Ennis: “Theresa May.”
Bradley Walsh: “All the founding members of what band are in Heat’s 2022 Young Star rich list?”
John: “The Beatles.”
Ben Shephard: “Kourtney, Kim and Khloe, the daughters of TV personality Kris Jenner, all have first names beginning with which letter?”
Andrew: “Cockney.”
Bradley Walsh: “In 2010 the wife of which Prime Minister gave birth to a girl named Florence?”
Marge: “Winston Churchill.”
Random TV irritations
ALEX Beresford typically overdoing his victory celebrations on Celebrity Race Across The World.
Cowardly Chris Hughes and foul-mouthed Grace Barry quitting almost every task on Don’t Look Down.
BBC News still not quite having the guts or humanity to call Hamas “terrorists”.
That disingenuous little weasel Ian Hislop using HIGNFY to claim he used Private Eye’s cover to call for “moderation and balance” in the Middle East (but only from Israel).
And the sad fact that where once the BBC and ITV were fighting it out for the services of Morecambe & Wise, they’re now locked in an equally fierce battle over Holly Willoughby.
TV gold
BBC2’s spellbinding two-part series The Devil’s Confession: The Lost Eichmann Tapes, which must be watched right through to the final credits.
Netflix’s easily consumed gangster documentary Get Gotti.
Harry Judd’s mum Emma the real star of Celebrity Race Across The World, concluding this beautiful series with the words: “It’s been an exploration of my soul and made me peaceful.”
And an Indian rickshaw-puller called Shivnander Prasad bringing Al Murray’s Why Does Everyone Hate The British Empire? to a grinding halt with a display of common sense that would be beyond 98 per cent of historians and politicians, when he was invited to dump all over the Empire: “I wasn’t around, so I don’t give a f*** whether the English were good or bad. Why don’t you ask someone who was around at the time?”
Indeed.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Claudia Winkleman and Lucy Loud from The Loud House.
Sent in by Ethel Ernest, via email.