It was meant to be the happiest day of her life when Elissa Hubbard married her wife, but it turned out to be the worst.
Then in the grips of gambling addiction, she couldn't wait to sneak off back to the hotel room, alone, so that she could blow their wedding money on online casino games on her phone. Escape was all she could think about, and it turned out to be one of the lowest moments of her life.
Her downward spiral eventually saw Elissa kicked out of her home and forced to couch surf after losing everything. It wasn't until she contemplated taking her own life that she knew she had to change her ways for good. Elissa's problems with addiction began when she started playing fruit machines in pubs at the age of nine. The 37-year-old continued to play as a teen but once she hit 16 and had her first drink, alcoholism took over.
Elissa played fruit machines in pubs from the age of 9 (supplied)
Following rehab, she came to learn about what she enjoyed in life and started afresh by the sea (supplied)Her addiction escalated into drug use until her life became 'unmanageable.' "Anything I touch, anything bad for me, I become addicted. I use things to change the way I feel," Elissa told the Mirror. More than seven years ago, she made a vow to get clean and attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. However as she was no longer going out drinking, she spent more time isolated at home.
She had enjoyed the odd bet in the past, but it had taken a backseat as she got drunk with friends. As she continued to spend more time home alone, she downloaded betting apps for easy access and to fill a void.
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"It started as football bets, horse bets. In a matter of a couple of weeks, I'd started playing on slots. It became relentless," she recalled. "Football bets were time-consuming. I was betting on the premiership and then in Australia - all different time zones. It was because of the access I was able to bet on anything at all. In bookies, I wouldn't have even looked at something like that."
For eight hours every day, Elissa, a previous maintenance worker who now does volunteer work, placed small bets but with astronomical consequences. She would spend £1 on accumulators and 25p on online casino spins. The more outrageous the bet, the more likely Elissa would place it.
"Even though they were small bets, I still managed to blow everything I had," she said. "Payday would come and I'd have it in my head 'I'm not gonna bet this time.' But as soon as money would land, as soon as get money through, before I knew it was gone.
"The companies know your payday and send a promotion through. As soon as I woke up, I'd use the promotion, but then before I knew it my wage was gone. It was like having a job - I'd bet in the morning, a few hours alone after work, and if I was on a call out, I'd say the job took longer and spend time in my van betting."
The first time she had a big win, she told her wife and treated her to a spin bike. Concealing how much she'd actually won, she spent the rest on more bets.
Her biggest ever win was £4,000 but over time, Elissa racked up £9,000 of debt after taking out payday loans and borrowing from friends. Instead of paying them back, when she won money, she placed another bet in a vicious cycle and when her wife questioned why she was broke, she made excuses that her work hadn't paid her correctly or that she had to lend friends money.
"I was just full of anxiety every day, I could feel it in my chest all the time," Elissa, who would have to hide her phone in front of people, said. "'Where was I going to get the next money from?' was constantly on my mind. Even when I won enough to pay debts off, I still had the feeling that I wanted to play.
"I could have paid people off but I paid the bare minimum on debt and gambled the rest." On September 22, 2021, on her wedding day, the celebration was marred with desperation for her next big win. "I wasn't even excited on my wedding day," Elissa admitted. "All I could think was, everyone was drinking, I knew there would be a point where I could slope off. It was like I was waiting for that time.
"My family had put money into my account so I went back to the hotel room on the wedding night and gambled that away. My wife kept making suggestions about how we could spend the money and I kept putting it off. Eventually, she asked me outright and she made me go to Gamblers Anonymous but I carried on gambling."
It wasn't until Elissa stole from her friend that she was caught out, and was forced to come clean to her wife and was kicked out for good. Sleeping on her brother's sofa, she suddenly realised what she had predicted had finally happened.
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"I lost everything - my wife, house, her kids, pets. I was feeling really low and suicidal at that point. I knew at that point I needed to get out but I couldn't stop. I knew that was going to come one day. I knew I had a problem. It's insanity."
However, the stigma of having a gambling addiction and Elissa's pride almost stopped her from receiving help. She felt embarrassed to attend Gamblers Anonymous and didn't know where she could turn. "I used to think I'd rather lose everything than go and get help. It wasn't until I was prepared to take my own life that I was ready to access support."
Through a friend, she came to know of a rehabilitation centre, where she spent five weeks on a residential programme with Gordon Moody. The biggest lesson she took from it was that she could no longer recognise herself.
She secretly blew thousands of pounds on bets until she was left with nothing (Getty Images/iStockphoto)Originally from Rochdale, Greater Manchester, Elissa now lives in Bangor, North Wales, after discovering she loved being by the sea. "I didn't know who I was anymore, what I liked, I never spent time doing anything. I was getting to know myself again," she reflected. "My first rehab was in North Wales. Now I live in North Wales, I fell in love whilst I was there."
She still finds comfort in attending recovery sessions but says her life is a far cry away from what it once was. "I can sit with myself now. Just be at peace. I do things I enjoy, walking up mountains. Enjoying what nature has to offer," she said.
As a stereotypically male addiction, Elissa argues it can be harder for women to recognise they have a problem and speak out. She says she wouldn't ever see women in bookies when out on maintenance jobs, but is concerned about the rise of TV adverts targeting women, with bingo chatrooms and game apps.
"Even if you feel you might have a problem, don't delay in getting in touch with someone," she warned. "Whether it's speaking to someone, a friend, or going on Gamble Aware's website - there is a self-assessment. For any kind of gambler, there is help out there. Try and get it dealt with before you lose everything."
As bank balances tighten over the Christmas season, a notoriously expensive time of year, Elissa says it can be triggering. "When your bank is lower at Christmas, it does trigger me quite a lot," she said. "I think I could gamble and bring it back up, but that never happens and never did happen.
"When it is lower, trying to do nice things for people, it does trigger me quite a lot. But there is people I speak to speak to these days. I still go to recovery groups, connection is so important.
Elissa is supporting the latest campaign from the charity GambleAware, to challenge stigma on gambling harms and encourage others to open up. If you’re worried about how gambling makes you feel, we can help. For free and confidential advice, tools and support, search GambleAware or contact the National Gambling Helpline, available 24/7, on 0808 8020 133.
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