TIGER print pillows, dark four poster beds draped with heavy curtains and rouge velvet walls that are so padded they could stifle any scream — could this be Scotland's sexiest hotel?
House of Gods, a stone’s throw from Edinburgh’s cobbled Royal Mile, is quirky boutique meets Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain.
Daylight is almost utterly shut out from the moment you enter the hotel’s unassuming front door and this moody darkness only adds to its sultry atmosphere.
There’s just one thing that doesn’t quite fit with this scene...
That is my 57-year-old mother, who I would be sharing a (very) cosy bed with that evening.
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The hotel had received rave reviews for its opulent decor, lavish service and its prime location, just minutes walking distance from Edinburgh’s top sites.
So, ‘why not give it a go?’, we thought.
The entrance led us through the hotel’s teeny cocktail bar with dark nooks and alluring corners to cosy up in, and round to a little reception desk hidden at the back.
A few details were exchanged, then a friendly chap whisked us off to our room while a waitress rushed to the bar to fill us two glasses of Prosecco.
We certainly felt doted on.
Ushered through a winding rabbit warren of rouge curtains and mirrors, up some stairs and round some corners, eventually we reached Room 212.
Had we left the room again that night, I’m not convinced we would have been able to find it by ourselves.
Luckily, at House of Gods Hotel, you don’t need to leave your room.
In fact, rooms have been designed not to be left for hours, maybe even days.
We’d booked in for the indulgent Treat Me Like I’m Famous package, usually opted for by couples, but I’ve been perpetually single for most of my adult life - and why should I have to miss out on the fun of bubbly and butler service because of that?
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As part of the package, our polished wooden bed had been decorated with gold balloons and rose petals, and on a stand next to it sat a tray with an iced bottle of bubbly and two flutes.
A quick run through of the room, like how to switch on the TV that’s cleverly hidden behind the mirror and how to use the butler-button to call for our late-night milk and cookie service, then we were left alone with our thoughts.
Touching one of the padded walls next to her, Mum eventually pipes up: “I feel like I’m in a den of iniquity”.
It was a good analogy.
How long had we been in the sex dungeon? Was it all a dream?
I don’t like to imagine the raunchy antics that have taken place in this very room, particularly when I look at the full length mirror that’s been purposely positioned at the foot of the bed.
But a quick change into our slobs and a glug of fizz and soon we’re enjoying the mystery of our teeny bedroom, pulling back a mirror on the wall to reveal a hidden coffee machine and opening discreet drawers under the bed, wondering if anything “naughty” might be in there.
Just as we’re figuring out the mood-lighting LED’s on the bed, a knock on the door signals that it’s time for our in-room cocktails, freshly-shaken at our door – another perk of our lavish package and one that I could definitely get used to.
More goodies would be on their way soon too as the Treat Me Like I’m Famous deal comes with a £40 bar tab, an “indulgent midnight feast” (that’s the milk and cookies), a breakfast hamper of bagels and juice and a late checkout of midday.
It's a popular romantic gimmick that many guests like to book, I'm told.
But in a funny way, I’d rather do this all with Mum.
The copious booze, late-night pizza delivered to our room and then a midnight feast of milk cookies and sweets, had left me feeling less Fifty Shades of Grey and more fifty shades of green.
Despite being early risers, we set our alarms for 8am before hitting the hay – without a watch or phone it would be impossible to tell the time in this windowless boudoir, totally shut off from the outside world.
We were still too full to conquer our brekkie bagels the next day and Mum was desperate to escape back to reality and see daylight once more.
Piling out of the hotel door, the fresh Scottish breeze met us like a welcome friend.
How long had we been in the sex dungeon? Was it all a dream?
We were barely five minutes away from the hotel when we accidentally stumbled upon a cathedral holding a Sunday service.
“Shall we repent for our sins?,” I joked to Mum.
Rooms cost from about £150 per night and the Treat Me Like I'm famous package costs £99 per couple.
Click here to book.
