I’M NO prude, but if I’m unlucky enough to stumble across Naked Attraction, I’ll be reaching for the remote . . . and the sick bucket.
The dating show is back on our screens this week and seems to satisfy some sort of public need to see freshly served-up private parts.
For the uninitiated, this is how it works: A man or woman (fully clothed) chooses from six naked hopefuls who are concealed within different coloured pods.
In the first round, the pods’ screens are raised to reveal the contestants’ nether regions. Then, one is eliminated, based purely on their appeal from the waist down.
And so it continues until the final round, when the picker — now also naked — makes his or her choice.
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Talk about putting the cart before the horse!
In 2016, when the Channel 4 show launched, I was as curious as anyone else.
I felt I wouldn’t mind having a voyeuristic butcher’s hook at this daring new show.
But immediately I felt rather nauseous. The whole premise made me wonder: Whatever happened to romance?
Whatever happened to the flutter of an eyelash, an enigmatic smile, or the scent of someone’s beautiful fragrance?
What about the value of whispered conversations, sending someone a mixtape, or liking the look of the book they’re reading on the train?
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With Naked Attraction, all those enticing, romantic things that are often the trigger for a relationship are cast aside.
Instead, we’re left with: “Here are my private parts, let’s cop off.”
It’s lacking in finesse, in romance and in subtlety. It’s even lacking in excitement and adventure, because it cuts straight to the chase – and when you look at the chase, you think, “Eurgh, I wouldn’t want to chase that in a million years.”
Of course I can see why it’s popular. It has been running for eight years so it must be getting something right.
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Mostly, it’s down to the shock factor.
There’s a genuine element of surprise if somebody looks quite demure but has something slightly bizarre tattooed on their nether regions.
At the other end of the spectrum was Kieran, whose so-called 'micro penis' shocked host Anna Richardson.
Maybe someone looks terribly prim and proper, but has a vajazzle of a Union Jack.
Or perhaps a guy is very big — but less so down there.
On the other hand, while a large appendage is guaranteed to draw gasps from viewers, it does not guarantee match-making glory. One guy, called Ozzy, was rejected after the picker decided his package was “too big”’.
At the other end of the spectrum was Kieran, whose so-called “micro penis” shocked host Anna Richardson.
My issue is that the programme reduces people to their genitalia, and we are so much more than that.
Nothing is left to the imagination. And that’s a shame, because if a man walks into a room wearing a smart tuxedo, I immediately find him handsome and desirable.
It makes me think of suave movie stars like Omar Sharif and George Clooney, and I can’t help but think, “Oh yes, you’re perfect for me.”
That wouldn’t be the case if I was simply gawping at his privates.
I remember once meeting a fellow at an evening do and he was wearing a beautiful tux. The next time I went out with him, he was wearing an apricot-coloured Aertex shirt.
What a crushing disappointment that was. The problem is, television needs to be ever more shocking to attract viewers.
Some have suggested online porn is to blame for this. I wouldn’t know, because my flirtation with pornography ended with Confessions Of A Window Cleaner in 1974.
Victorian freak show
Of course, Naked Attraction is by no means as extreme as what’s available on your smartphone, but it’s a far cry from the golden years of dating shows.
In the beginning, the gentle innocence of Blind Date did the trick. When the couple went away on their date, viewers were satisfied to know if they’d shared a clandestine kiss.
But along came reality TV and shows like Love Island and Married At First Sight, and we were served with increasingly explicit content to create that all-important water-cooler moment.
It is no surprise to me that, according to Google, a grand sum of two couples are still together from the entire history of Naked Attraction.
People of my generation never thought in a million years you’d see men’s todgers on TV. So it’s a sure-fire way of capturing an audience and the show, which began its 12th series last night, still pulls in more than a million viewers each week.
I’m not knocking it.
It’s open and honest and it makes no bones — or even boners — about what it’s trying to achieve. But a person’s individual body parts do not reveal anything about their personality, particularly when visually detached from that person’s body and face.
It is no surprise to me that, according to Google, a grand sum of two couples are still together from the entire history of Naked Attraction.
However, if there’s one positive thing to be said about the programme, it’s that it’s a respite from the unattainable bodies we see in magazines and social media.
It’s the modern equivalent of a Victorian freak show, where you stare at the bearded lady.
Rather than feeling bad about yourself when watching it, you’re far more likely to feel sorry for the people actually on it.
And it seems I’m not alone, as last year 74 per cent of readers told a Sun poll you couldn’t pay them to go on it. I’m not one of those voyeurs who watches Naked Attraction faithfully, or even furtively, hoping to see as many misshapen winkles and pierced foo-foos as possible.
I’m that person who, if it happens to come on TV, fumbles for the remote and switches channels.
But I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with anyone being on it, or watching it. If anyone wants to parade their privates on TV, good luck to them.
Disliking the show does not make me a prude and I don’t think Naked Attraction is immoral.
Anna Richardson is a very good presenter and is a pleasure to watch and listen to. It’s also slickly produced, fast-paced and well put together.
So if you like it, I don’t object to it at all.
If I was asked, I’d turn them down
But when you walk down the street, would you really like to see everyone’s genitalia and whether they’re big or small, or pierced or unpierced?
My answer is: I really wouldn’t.
I’m not anti-nudity, either. As my children will tell you, I’m laissez-faire, and if anyone wants to take their clothes off in front of other people who also want to take their clothes off, that’s fine.
I would feel guilty saying no, sad to be depriving the nation of such a glorious, exquisite vista!
Every now and then, a celebrity version of Naked Attraction is mooted.
According to host Anna, Duncan James once told her he’d be willing to expose his bits on screen, should the call come.
If they asked me to appear, with regret, I’d have to turn them down.
I am a grandmother and a political commentator who has interviewed the Prime Minister.
But I would feel guilty saying no, sad to be depriving the nation of such a glorious, exquisite vista!
