We all do it. We patch and bodge and hope for the best, and spend our money on wine when we should be getting the car MoTed, the roof tiles replaced, and repainting the shabbiest room.
And so it has been with Britain, where for 14 years the Tories said they would not spend money on anything, while somehow adding a trillion pounds to the national debt. And in the decade before that Labour doubled the debt, although by comparison it's like looking at a heap of maxed-out credit cards owing theoretical thousands, and regretting the time you spent a £20 at the chippy.
Without ongoing maintenance things always get worse, and then when you finally get in someone to fix it he sucks his teeth and says: 'Cor, you left this a while dint yer? When we start digging it's all gonna collapse.' And at some point the bank manager - let's call her Rachel Reeves - purses her lips and informs you in disapproving tones that no, you can't have a loan, because you're even more hopeless with money than the government is.
Now imagine that's the case with 30 million homes, and 70 millon people, the debt is in the trillions and to top it all there's a real risk you'll need to throw a dinner party for Donald Trump and be nice to the French people next door. In no particular order, then, here are the 99 problems the nation needs Keir Starmer to fix, and fast.
"I can picture it now, clean rivers, free movement, peace across Europe, everyone pulling together in some sort of political union.... ah balls." (Getty Images)The NHS, trains that don't smell of wee, roads without tarmac acne, a social care service, enforcing ethical standards in public life, laws instructing Devon to put cream on the scone FIRST or it's the death penalty, oo-ar.
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Ban the manufacture, import and sale of plastic wet wipes, attract billionaires to live here and create jobs, while taxing billionaires roughly £1billion each which is all the rest of us would be happy with, a drainage and reservoir system fit for the impact of climate change, subsidised solar panels on every south-facing roof in the land, and getting Taylor Swift to move on because it is BORRRRRRING.
Boris Johnson to be deported, Liz Truss to shut up and go away, Rishi Sunak to pay crippling helicopter taxes, and Theresa May forced to dance at every Conservative Party Conference until the end of time. Tony Blair to accept his unpopularity, Peter Mandelson's diet tips to be sent to America, Ed Balls back on Strictly, and sensible brown bobs to be banned for women of the Labour frontbench.
Everyone with a terminal illness to have the option to end their suffering, a ban on second homes, recorded yelling to "STOP DAWDLING!" in public areas, escalators, travelators, and the entrance to shops, Vladimir Putin back in his box, Xi Xinping out of Africa, Kim Jong Un's cheese supply to be cut off, Israel and Palestine to co-exist peacefully, people traffickers in jail, asylum seekers given safe routes, and all Afghans allowed in at the first time of asking, for the love of Pete.
"Well frankly this stuff is obvious." (Getty Images)Renationalise our means of existence and industry: water, steel, power. Find a way that council tax could go DOWN, just once. Stop private schools pretending to be charities by letting in three poor kids and holding a raffle once a year. Force empty churches to house the homeless, it's what Jesus would do. Kick Jeffrey Archer out of the House of Lords, kick Michelle Mone into touch, give victims of national scandals a public advocate so they have parity of arms when suing the government, and give nuclear test veterans the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square.
Ban cars getting bigger. Force dog owners to training classes. Stop the sale of 'compostable' dog poo bags that get incinerated, and tell people to flick it off the path with a stick as the National Trust says. LEAVE THE NATIONAL TRUST ALONE IT IS FINE. Ban use of the word 'woke' unless it is between the words 'I' and 'up'. Make it illegal for a public official to lie. End hospital parking charges and ensure every hospital ward has tea making facilities. Push for hydrogen fuel and deliver free, or at least subsidised, school meals to every child up to 18.
Educate Laurence Fox, make Ofcom watch GB News, tell the BBC to stay out of local journalism, make Adidas Sambas fashionable again, give Jurgen Klopp a government job, ban the sale of megaphones to anyone under 75, make vapes presciption-only, make Amazon only deliver when the box is full, ban neonicitinoid pesticides, and force every company that uses plastic wrap to use less of it every year or make the CEO go litter-picking.
Save the Post Office, compensate Alan Bates and his friends, settle the infected blood scandal, the nuked blood scandal, Grenfell, the WASPI women, make the Covid wall a national monument, stop the MoD spending £10,000 on a new spanner, get the Japanese to run the railways, and outlaw the little scrolly wheel for the year of birth in online forms that you have to scroll and scroll and scroll and why not just type it?
Ultra-processed food to be more expensive than whole foods, farmers to plough diagonally to slow soil erosion, chicken slurry in rivers to be punishable with a £20,000 fine, cancer and dementia vaccines, no redundancies without a retraining scheme, no zero hours contracts, no union militants, no more dropping concrete next to horses, no annual allowance for redecorating the Downing Street flat just learn to live with whatever's not peeling off, and a basic multiple choice trivia quiz for prospective MPs with questions like 'are you a racist?' and 'would you rather live in Rwanda?'
Please, Keir, make every water boss go wild swimming in their own rivers, try every alleged rapist in under a year, tag every domestic abuser, let the public vote on the honours list, provide state car and pet insurance, jail bosses for gender pay gaps, provide affordable childcare, bring back cottage hospitals, and surely, SURELY, Ryan Giggs should be spayed.
Don't let the Royal Family give themselves more honours, because they've got enough. Stop burning fossil fuels. Allow David Attenborough to retire. Keep FA Cup replays. End benefit sanctions. Let us have freedom of movement. Do whatever you can to ensure that your and future governments don't end up corrupted and entitled after too long in power.
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But if you can't do all that, I'll settle for legislation that sets a minimum standard for custard creams and ensures that cheese and onion crisps are ALWAYS IN GREEN PACKETS.
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