'Marriage therapy is digging up resentment and driving us further apart'

06 June 2024 , 17:54

1157     0

A reader says couple's therapy has stirred up resentment between him and his wife (Image: Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

My wife and I have been having relationship therapy for a couple of months, but I’m thinking of calling it quits.

It’s actually made things worse between us and we’ve been arguing even more than usual because things have been raised in the sessions that trigger us both.

We agreed to have ­ counselling after a bad couple of years in which our son, who has ADHD, went off the rails and we had to remortgage the house to get funds to pay for his education. Also, my wife had to go back to work full time, which she resents, as she says she has enough on her plate with our son and our younger daughter to look after.

Added to this, we’ve completely stopped having sex or being affectionate. We’ve both been ready to walk away from the marriage at different points, but felt counselling could help as a last-ditch option. But it’s not what I expected.

I do want to get through this together if possible, but sometimes it seems easier to throw in the towel. I’d welcome your opinion.

Jermain Defoe sparks marriage split fear after spending Christmas away from wife

Coleen says

In therapy, things usually do get worse before they get better because it brings everything to the surface, it opens old wounds and revisits issues that you’ve avoided. But that’s how it works and, if you stick with it, for most people it does have a positive outcome.

You have to confront problems and look them straight in the eye in order to move on from them. So, I wouldn’t give up on it yet. I’ve had therapy at different points in my life and you do have to commit to it for a period of time to get the benefit.

As for arguing after the sessions, tell your therapist this is what you’ve been doing and discuss it in the room. And why not agree with your wife to talk about things constructively after a session?

Go for a coffee and spend half an hour or an hour talking instead of arguing. Inevitably, therapy will bring up things you didn’t know about each other – opinions, feelings and even events that might come as a shock. You do have to be prepared for that and work through it.

You’re doing a positive thing – however things play out in the end – so keep showing up. You will get to a point when there’s a breakthrough for one or both of you and you’ll know what to do. Good luck.

Coleen Nolan