Dear Coleen
My daughter is 29 and lives 70 miles away with her partner and their daughter, who’s a year old. My problem is, she treats me like an irritating relative whom she doesn’t like much but has to put up with.
She’s an only child and, when she was growing up, my husband and I worked hard and made huge sacrifices to give her everything she could possibly need or want. I’ll admit she’s probably been spoiled in certain respects and we seem to be paying the price. She ruled the roost when she lived at home and we often ended up walking on eggshells to avoid a meltdown.
She has little respect for me or her dad, and still talks to us like she’s an angry teenager. When I call because I love her and want to know how she is, she acts like I’m interfering. We’ve been to visit them a few times since our granddaughter was born, which has been OK, but my daughter has never come to see us. It’s got to the point where I’ve given up trying to plan things with her.
I don’t know what we’ve done wrong for her to be this unkind. Everything always has to be on her terms. While we like her partner a lot, I don’t know why he won’t stand up to her. I’m sure he’d appreciate us being more involved.
It’s tricky because I don’t want to rock the boat too much in case she stops us seeing our granddaughter. I’m at a loss.
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Coleen says
This will probably seem a hard thing to do, but perhaps you should back off a bit and give her some space to think about things. You’ve always been there for her and been such a huge part of her life, but maybe she’s trying to stand on her own two feet.
It’s just a theory, but I bet if you did back off, she’d miss your phone calls and start calling you. Sometimes you have to give people the opportunity to miss you and to think about the relationship. As long as she knows you’re always there if she needs you.
Also, as you know yourself, that first year of motherhood is really hard. You have to hit the ground running, you’re exhausted all the time from sleepless nights and it’s a lot to get to grips with.
If you get on well with her partner, why not check in with him to make sure they’re OK and to get his thoughts? He could be a good ally and help you have a better relationship. I know I bang on a lot about writing letters, but they really can work wonders in a situation like this.
You get to say what’s in your heart and, unlike talking face-to-face, you don’t have to worry about the other person taking things the wrong way and storming off. Remind her you love her, you’re there for her and her family, and then give her some space to think about what you’ve written. Good luck.
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