FORGET the midlife crisis, women today are caught in a collision of roles, from mother and daughter, to carer and employee.
And they’re buckling under the strain…
Driving her car out of her mother’s driveway, Laura Marfell-Williams broke down in tears.
After years juggling family life, her career and caring for her widowed mum, while also beginning to experience perimenopausal symptoms, she’d hit burnout.
“It was October 2022 and I’d just helped Mum move into a nursing home, because her Alzheimer’s had deteriorated to the point where she was no longer safe living on her own,” says Laura, 47, from Norfolk.
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“I’d been very worried about her, especially as I lived a 21/2-hour drive away, and I was so stressed trying to look after her, on top of driving back and forth.
“I had my two young daughters in the car, who I needed to get home for school the following day, and my phone was buzzing with messages about an urgent work issue.
“I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and bursting into tears.
“Somehow, I drove us home, but I then spent the next week in bed crying.”
After the strain of spinning so many plates broke her, Laura’s burnout resulted in her taking time off work, being prescribed antidepressants and starting therapy, in the hope of piecing herself back together.
Laura, a freelance PR, was a victim of the “midlife collision”.
It’s a phrase used to describe the time in women’s lives when they suffer from “role overload”, and find themselves coping with the responsibilities of children, running a household, looking after elderly parents, having a career, dealing with financial pressures and coping with health issues, including the menopause.
According to the ONS, more than 1.3 million people form the “sandwich” generation – those supporting older relatives and dependent children.
Age UK says 68% of these are women, with the greatest proportion aged 35-44.
Add in the cost of living crisis and the menopause, and midlife women are facing a perfect – and debilitating – storm.
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This complex combination of roles and pressures can, as Laura knows, leave women on their knees, and many feel forced to give up their jobs.
ONS figures show that between 2021 and 2022, 43,000 women left the workforce to look after family – a 3% increase on the previous year – and 27.6% of women were not working due to family commitments, compared to 7.4% of men.
“What happened to me had been building for a number of years,” says Laura. “During the pandemic, my workload increased greatly.
“I specialise in travel PR and, when we first went into lockdown, I was busy helping clients with crisis management, then as the world opened up, travel boomed.
“I’m self-employed, so it’s very hard to say no to work, plus I’m ambitious. In retrospect, I took on too much.
“My children are now 15 and 12, so I was juggling work with raising them – driving them to activities, supervising schoolwork, cooking meals and keeping on top of housework.
“My husband Steve, 60, who runs an engineering consultancy, does pitch in, but as with many households, the lion’s share fell to me.
“I was also involved in fund-raising for our local community, which was an additional commitment.
“In February 2020, my mum, who lived alone in Leicestershire, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
“Being over 150 miles from her, when she was doing things like locking herself out of her house, and refusing the food delivery service I’d arranged, just added to the pressure.
“My sister and I would take turns visiting her, and manage things like doctor’s appointments remotely.”
Laura says that by the summer of 2022, her mental and physical health were suffering.
“I wasn’t sleeping well and would wake incredibly early, my mind racing,” she says.
“I constantly felt exhausted and frazzled, running on adrenalin because there was never time to wind down.
“I just bounced from one set of responsibilities to the next.
“I didn’t realise, mainly because I had no time to think about my own health, but I was also becoming perimenopausal, which wasn’t helping with sleep or my feelings of being on edge.”
‘As someone used to being in control, it was frightening to realise I couldn’t cope any more’
Laura describes her emotional breakdown as “scary”.
She says: “I was in such a low place, I’d never felt that way before.
“As someone used to being in control and able to cope, it was frightening to realise I couldn’t any more.”
Dr Wendy Bowley is a clinical psychologist who specialises in helping women like Laura. “I call myself ‘The Midlife Psychologist’,” she says.
“Many of my clients are women who’ve been pushing on for a long time carrying an extraordinarily heavy practical and mental load, and have reached a point where they can’t go on.
“Women were told they could have it all, but actually what that has meant is that they are doing it all, and that can be detrimental to their wellbeing.”
Dr Bowley says the timing of the midlife collision, often occurring as women enter the menopause, only adds to its debilitating impact.
“Hormonal changes that can cause fatigue, brain fog and anxiety are striking at the same time that demands on women are growing.
“They may have reached a senior position in their career and so it’s more demanding, their children are getting older, and parents are ageing.
“With bills and mortgages to pay, especially when life is so expensive, the pressure from all angles is huge.
“It’s not a sustainable burden and ultimately can lead to women experiencing a great deal of distress, anxiety, low mood and deep feelings of rage and anger.
“They can burn out and relationships can break down under the strain.
“This shouldn’t be women’s problem to fix – it is a massive societal issue about how we raise women to take all this on, and how invisible and under-valued their contribution is.”
However, she urges women to try to find a way to care for themselves, too.
“Therapy can be very helpful, as well as seeking medical help for menopause symptoms.
“Let go of the guilt that can accompany asking for help, or the feeling that it makes you a failure, and see what could be delegated, and how life might be structured differently to ease some of your burden.”
‘I’m running two households, with my children and parents all dependent on me for support’
Mum-of-two Kate Curtis, 45, is currently in the grip of a midlife collision, balancing the needs of her parents and family, and trying to build a new business after having no choice but to walk away from her former career.
“My children are 14 and 12, and with their age comes a host of challenges.
“My daughter is heavily influenced by social media, which impacts how she feels about her appearance, comparing herself to other girls online.
“My son is a high-achiever and I’ve been trying to guide him through making his GCSE choices.
“I’ve also had to support them through the trauma of losing their paternal grandmother in early 2021, who they’d been apart from for months because of the pandemic.”
Kate, who lives in south-west London with her kids and husband Richard, 48, admits one of the biggest challenges she faces in being present for her children at this tricky age is that her parents are now very dependent on her, too.
“In May 2022, we found out Mum had Alzheimer’s, then Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s eight months later.
“Very quickly, I went from daughter to carer, and now I spend time each day with them, doing everything from bathing and dressing Mum to tidying the house and sorting their medication and appointments.
“Mum feels low at times and can be very anxious.
“Meanwhile, I’m Dad’s confidante when he needs support, because Mum can no longer communicate or understand as much.
“I’m running two households, with my children and parents all dependent on me for emotional and practical support.”
Until March 2023, Kate worked full-time for a charity as an employability coach, helping the long-term unemployed back into work.
However, with her parents not eligible for any state-funded care, and only £400 a month in benefits, she made the difficult decision to leave her job.
Dr Elle Boag specialises in social psychology and says the breakdown in services, including care for the elderly, is having a knock-on effect on women like Kate, who are being left to plug the gaps.
“Budget cuts and a growing elderly population means services are swamped.
“There isn’t enough support so someone has to step in – and that’s usually women, to the detriment of their careers,” she says.
“Women made great strides going into the workforce, but now the pressure of also having to be carers, the person who runs the home, plus a mental health counsellor to their teens who can’t access Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) because it’s also swamped, means they’re being forced back out of it.”
But is there any real hope of change, to better support women like Kate and Laura?
Last year, a report published by a think tank at the request of shadow health secretary Wes Streeting suggested a National Care Service (NCS) could be launched in July 2028 – but warned there is no “quick fix for our social care emergency.”
The Labour party has also said that there is a “critical need” for immediate reform of CAMHS, as well as adequate funding to better support young people and their families.
For now, though, women like Kate are left to struggle.
Kate’s husband Richard, a head groundsman for a local cricket club, is currently the breadwinner, while Kate tries to build her own business as a business coach and mentor, often working very early in the morning or late at night to fit around her various caring commitments.
“It’s put our family under financial pressure. We’ve had to cut back,” says Kate.
“I have moments of resentment that I had to sacrifice a job I was good at and enjoyed.
“Then I feel guilty, because I love my parents and this isn’t their fault. There should be more support.”
And she admits her circumstances are taking their toll on her health.
“I think I’m perimenopausal and it’s affecting my ability to sleep, leaving me exhausted.
“I’m self-medicating my emotions and tiredness with caffeine, sugar and carbs to give me a boost, then I feel sluggish and I’ve put on weight.
“Every day I feel like I give so much of myself, I’m always emotionally drained.
“I’m carrying so many people’s needs and emotions, there’s no time or energy left over for myself.”
Laura found a combination of changes helped her take back control of her life.
She was prescribed HRT alongside her antidepressants, and referred for a course of CBT on the NHS.
She also stopped working for five months.
“I was fortunate that we could manage without my wage temporarily, because I needed some time out to feel better and reassess my life,” says Laura.
“Thankfully, since then, things have improved. Mum is settled in her care home, which has relieved pressure on me, I’m working fewer hours and have boundaries about not working late into the night any more, and Steve took on more responsibilities in the house.
“My daughters are becoming more self-sufficient as they get older, too.
“Doing it all and being there for everyone but myself broke me. I never want to feel caught in that collision of roles again.”
