Each was a gleaming model in the showroom, but the Ferrari, Porsche, Lamborghini and Mercedes are performing like Nissan Micras.
Boo is the colour of Graham Potter's fleet at Chelsea, and they can't keep taking the punters for a ride like this. Head coach Potter is a decent man and he has enjoyed unwavering support from owner Todd Boehly, but even the most resolute backing has its limits. So far, Chelsea's scattergun spending has only turned them into the Blank of England.
They may not qualify for Europe next season at this rate – not even the Thursday Night Smorgasbord League. How can that happen after throwing £300 million at a single transfer window?
Southampton we can deal with in short measure. They were terrific – the polar opposite of indifferent dunces who got Nathan Jones the sack.
Saints bust a gut for interim boss Ruben Telles where they hardly broke wind for Jones, and on this evidence they could stay up.
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But Chelsea deserve more forensic scrutiny because they have made a basket case from plaits of 24-carat golden wicker.
First and foremost, we wish skipper Cesar Azpilicueta a full and speedy recovery after he was knocked unconscious by Sekou Mara's flying boot – a sickening injury which required an oxygen mask and urgent medical intervention.
As for the football... draw the curtain, nurse, this is going to hurt.
Potter's side look far less than the sum of their expensive parts (Getty Images)Yes, Potter needs time to fit his expensive jigsaw pieces together, but read the stats and weep: Just four goals scored and one win in 2023, a 12th blank fired in 32 games this season and 10 points off the top four.
Not good enough.
The Blues unleashed £670 million of talent against the Premier League wooden spoonists, but the frenzy resembled the lottery balls flying around in a tombola.
And as the fans' dissent turns towards open mutiny, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang – the one bloke with a proven track record of scoring goals – can't even get a place on the bench.
At 33, Aubameyang may be a busted flush. But when a whole legion of blue shirts can't hit the back end of a bus with a banjo, surely the poacher's instinct behind 291 career goals is worth a punt from the bench?
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang can't even get in the squad lately - despite their goal troubles (Darren Walsh/Chelsea FC via Getty Images)Potter claims he is not the problem behind Chelsea's classic cars stuck in limp mode – but the fans are not convinced he is the solution, either.
Asked if he doubted himself, or if each poor result was chipping away at his his self-belief, he insisted: “No – it's football, sometimes it happens.
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“We have invested in some young players - that is what they are. If you look at Enzo, Mudryk and Madueke, they haven’t played that many games, they are learning to play in the Premier League.
“We have also been managing quite an unprecedented injury list. All these things are true but, when you lose, they are not what people want to hear.
“I know my quality, I know what I have done in my career, but I also understand that while results don’t go your way, you are open to criticism – and that is fair.
“I have always been that way. It has got me to this point. But at the same time, I also know people want something different.”
Some of the bile directed at Potter from the stands and on social media is uncomfortably close to the bone, but he shrugged: “It’s emotion, the team is losing, we have had the results we have had, so you can understand it.
“I am not stupid, I am not naïve. My job is to try and keep going, help the team, support them through a tough period and take the criticism.
“I can stand here for the next five minutes and talk about reasons (for results) but also I know we have to do better as well. It is not acceptable to lose 1-0 at home here. Any criticism I get is fair.”
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