Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my late 20s and at high school I dated a girl on and off between the ages of 15 and 18. We both went to university and lost touch for a few years.
But we met up again at a party two years ago and have dated on and off since then.
When we first got back together, it was perfect. We’d both grown up a lot, but those familiar feelings were still there.
We’re very attracted to each other and have so much shared history. I just have this overwhelming feeling we’re meant to be together.
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However, late last year, I blew it when I started hooking up with another woman.
It wasn’t sexual, but I admitted I did fancy her, so I suppose it was a flirtation.
It ruined the trust my girlfriend had in me, though, and we broke up. We got back together again last month after meeting to talk things over, and it was fine for a few weeks, but now she’s gone cold on me for no apparent reason and is saying we need to “take a break” from the relationship.
She’s worried we’re not right for each other long term and that we just keep falling back into a familiar pattern that’s not good for either of us.
We’re still in touch via text, but I think I’ve lost her for good. I’d love your thoughts.
Coleen says
You’re not going to like my reply, but I think your girlfriend could be right – this relationship feels like a habit you can’t break.
Just because you have this shared history, doesn’t mean you’re right for each other at this stage in your lives. You’re comfortable with each other, but could you be confusing familiarity and friendship for love?
You say you’re very attracted to each other, but what about passion? The fact is, something fundamental isn’t working because you keep breaking up, and you found yourself getting involved with another woman.
It could be your girlfriend has realised it’s time for you to move on from each other.
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But it’s still difficult to call it a day and make it final because you’ve been such a big part of each other’s lives.
I think you need to give her the space she’s asked for and take a proper break from the relationship. Don’t keep texting each other. If the romance is over, I think you can be friends in the future, but not right now while emotions are running high.
Hopefully, you’ll go on to have a lovely, lifelong friendship once you’ve both had a chance to move on.
I don’t believe there’s just one person out there for us – think about how much fun it’ll be to fall in love again. Good luck.
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