DEAR DEIDRE: IT feels like there are three people in my relationship – me, my partner and the ghost of his dead wife.
I know he loves me, but he doesn’t seem to be able to let go of her or her possessions.
I’m 48 and divorced, and my partner is 58. His wife died from breast cancer five years ago, when she was 50.
We met two years later and quickly fell in love. I knew he was still grieving, but he seemed ready for new love.
I made it clear I didn’t want to replace her and I understood if he needed to talk about her.
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Our relationship is great – we have lots in common, and a good sex life.
Our relationship is great – we have lots in common, and a good sex life.
But it feels like it’s stalled because he just can’t move on.
I’d like us to live together, but he won’t give up the house he shared with his late wife.
It’s full of her things – not just photos, but all her clothes, handbags and knick-knacks.
I try to make him stay at mine because staying the night at his place is so uncomfortable.
It feels like we’re cheating on her, and I’m the other woman.
Occasionally, he even accidentally calls me by her name during sex. I pretend I haven’t heard.
I’m starting to think I’m always going to come second to this dead woman.
I’ve tried talking to him about this, but he says I’m being silly and he’s committed to me.
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He says his adult kids would be upset if he gave up the house.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You sound patient, reasonable and sympathetic, and you deserve more than to be forever living in his dead wife’s shadow.
Perhaps he feels he’s being disloyal to her memory if he gets rid of her things.
Or maybe he’s scared of committing to you, and this is a convenient excuse.
Either way, you need to tell him how you feel. Make it clear you mean no disrespect but it’s time he put you first.
If he isn’t able to, perhaps he isn’t really ready for a relationship.
Sad as that would be, at least you’d know.
Suggest having relationship counselling together, so you can talk about this in a safe environment.
Find it via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
