NEARLY a quarter of 18 to 34-year- olds say they have never answered their phones.
This means when their mobile rings, they simply stare at it in silent, abject horror. A whole generation of young Edvard Munchs, if you will.
For once, I’m with the youngsters.
Nothing sends my cortisol levels rocketing faster than a vibrating iPhone.
The abject TERROR of seeing a name on my phone, someone rudely violating my personal space and physically wanting to talk to me — be it a PPI call centre in India, my bosses, friends or my Uber driver informing me he’s outside.
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It. Is. All. Hideous.
My parents never, ever call me. So if I see “Home” flashing up on the screen, my mind immediately transports me to dark places and I assume one of them is calling to say the other is dead.
No good can come from a phone call.
We should all be communicating solely through the sweet, non- threatening medium of text message or, even better, email (as that dispenses with the need for any niceties, or emojis).
The Uswitch poll of 2,000 Brits also showed that 23 per cent of Gen Z never use their mobile as a “telephone”, but purely for social media, news, games or messaging.
Basically, young people, and me, regard telephone calls as unfathomable relics of the past.
(As I type this, my phone is ringing with an unknown number and I am staring at it in visceral disgust. And, obviously, ignoring.)
Anyway, I digress.
While my fear of the phone is a running joke among my mates, it’s really not a laughing matter.
We are rapidly becoming a nation of avoidant weirdos. And it’s dangerous.
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Gen Z, a band of people who already demand WFH clauses in their contracts (if, that is, they can bother to work in the first place) and “work/life balance” (with more emphasis on the “life” part), now have ever-more reason to avoid real human interaction.
Cavemen and women didn’t hit up an app to deliver their roasted woolly mammoth. They went out and hunted it.
Real life isn’t found on a £900 smartphone.
Nuance and meaning is often lost over the written word, meaning one misinterpreted WhatsApp can leave an already mental-health riddled teen plagued with spiralling anxiety.
Young people are living their lives behind a screen. It’s not healthy and the problem is only getting worse.
Working from home, and our reliance on quick-form comms, is a mental health epidemic in the waiting.
Somehow we need to break the cycle and start picking up the bloody phone.
Now where did that remote go?
ESTEBAN KURIEL, a “photographic artist” from Colombia, says this is his best phone picture.
Of it, he says: “Social media censorship demands that I hide my genitals, but this restriction only heightens the sense of ambiguity around the narrative, which the viewer is then compelled to fill in.”
I’d rather not, thanks.
Still, who hasn’t tried to replicate this casual sofa pose?
Maid to look small
MARGOT ROBBIE was recently pictured, beaming beatifically, on a beach in Queensland, while serving as a bridesmaid for her pal.
Not surprisingly, the woman previously voted the planet’s most beautiful, was accused of upstaging the poor bride.
While, obviously, this is hugely insulting to all concerned, I can relate.
A few years ago my best friend from school, Gemma, appointed two bridesmaids for her quaint church wedding – me and our 5ft 10in model-influencer friend. I could have killed her.
The fittings were soul-destroying – me getting my dress shortened and, even worse, let out after a particularly heavy winter, while my friend Louise looked effortlessly beautiful in ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
She either had to stoop in the wedding photos or, a low point, I was made to stand on a box.
Never again.
SO Russell Brand has been baptised in the Thames – although no Church has yet to come forward to proudly declare they did the need.
Perhaps it was a DIY job, then. Whatever.
That man submerging himself in the murky, grubby, rat and faeces-infested waters of the capital couldn’t be more fitting.
Up for chop
NOW that Labour are about to get into power, we’ll be seeing a lot more of their poster boys and girl.
Cut to Deputy PM, Angela Rayner.
Last week, in what was evidently a needs-must situation, she was therefore merrily attending the . . . drum roll . . . Golden Chopsticks Awards, above.
Here’s hoping for a red carpet appearance at next year’s British Kebab Awards.
Stick to own arena
NOT so long ago, a few overpaid men in suits from the Co-op (because, corporate sexism is still v much a thing) presumably sat around a big boardroom and said out loud: “Ah what a GREAT idea it would be to throw millions of pounds sponsoring Britain’s biggest indoor arena ever.”
Well that ingenious PR coup worked a treat.
At the time of writing, seven major artists have pulled out of gigs at Manchester’s Co-op Live arena in the wake of failing air-con, broken lights and no backstage toilets.
Next time, perhaps stick to pints of milk and washing powder, guys.
LAST week I wrote about a cat called Domiino who looked like Battenberg cake.
Lots of you wrote in with your own lookalike felines. So thank you, that was happy post.
But the winner was Ole, a four-year-old British shorthair. His owner, Ian, writes: “I thought I’d send you a picture of our cat, Ole, who we think has a striking resemblance to Hercule Poirot.”
Ian, he really does. Thanks.
Sophie is on a role
SOPHIE WESSEX has become the first British royal to visit war-torn Ukraine.
The Duchess of Edinburgh’s display of solidarity to those affected by Putin’s invasion two years ago is far more than a smart PR move.
It is, surely, a statement of intent from the monarchy that in a slimmed-down Royal Family, and with two key members battling cancer, Sophie will increasingly have a prominent, more public-facing role.
Since marrying Prince Edward 25 years ago, she’s proven herself a discreet, loyal and hard-working member of the Firm.
A favourite with the late Queen, we will, I suspect, be seeing a lot more of Sophie in the coming weeks, months and years.
THE Government has unveiled plans to make single-sex toilets compulsory in offices, bars and restaurants across the UK.
Lee Rowley, Housing Minister, added the move would provide “privacy, decency and space for both sexes”.
As any woman will testify, sharing ridiculous, PC “non-binary” loos is a truly horrific experience – non-lowered seats being the very least of it.
Meat: A cruel truth
SHERLOCK star Martin Freeman says he’s quit vegetarianism after 38 years because of the “very, very processed” nature of meat replacements.
Unfortunately, because in an ideal world we wouldn’t be slaughtering cute little pigs and cows for a breakfast bap, studies have shown ultra-processed foods may increase the risk of high blood pressure, heart disease and strokes.
But what is the solution?
Battery farming is not it. Chickens in cages they can barely turn around in, and beautiful, graze-free cows confined to a life of misery in cages, is barbarous.
With a government seemingly hell-bent on throwing money away on anything but sustainable, cruelty-free British farming, we’re back to square one.
