WHERE’s the hairdryer when you need it?
In the week that Sir Alex Ferguson was inducted into the Premier League Hall of Fame, Manchester United were again betraying the values of football’s greatest manager.
Erik Ten Hag claimed he was shocked by the lack of desire and hunger from his players during Sunday’s tame surrender at Newcastle.
But he really shouldn’t be surprised because this spineless bunch have been going missing for years.
It’s a curious anomaly that six of this season’s seven League defeats have been suffered on a Sunday as Ten Hag has become more accustomed to Black Sabbath than Ozzy Osbourne.
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And while everyone is entitled to an occasional off day, it's becoming a habit for the workshy Reds.
That’s a serious concern for Ten Hag, because the lack of characters in this team of underachievers is threatening to sabotage all his hard work to make United a real force again.
When the Dutchman ordered his players on a 14k run after August’s humiliating 4-0 defeat by Brentford, fans dared to hope that they had finally found a manager who meant business.
And when he benched Cristiano Ronaldo before showing him the door, it was regarded as further evidence of his ruthless streak.
But the message is clearly not getting through because too many players still refuse to put in the hard yards which is the minimum requirement for any ambitious team.
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They weren’t just beaten by upwardly mobile Newcastle at the weekend, they were outrun, outfought and outclassed.
It was exactly the same story during last month’s 7-0 massacre by Liverpool, the 6-3 humiliation at Manchester City, the 3-1 shellacking at Aston Villa and that early season embarrassment at Brentford.
Players refusing to run back after losing the ball, chucking in the towel, gesticulating at underperforming team-mates, failing to defend set-pieces, leaving the dirty work to others and spending more energy challenging the referee than the opposition.
And, yes, Bruno Fernandes, we do mean you.
World Cup hero wants Man Utd move as doubts over Harry Maguire's future grow
Handing the captain's armband to the petulant Portuguese sends out all the wrong messages to a weak-willed dressing-room never slow to seize on an excuse.
Imagine Roy Keane’s reaction if any of his team-mates ever confessed on live TV: “We didn’t have the right hunger or attitude.”
His feet wouldn’t have touched the ground.
But that is exactly what Luke Shaw admitted after the latest no-show which allowed upwardly mobile Newcastle to leapfrog United into third place in the table.
It’s a good job that Chelsea, Liverpool and Spurs have all been so hopeless this season which means United should still be able to hang on for a top four finish and Champions League qualification.
Yet it was only a month ago that fans were seriously talking up a potential quadruple bid even though their team was eight points behind leaders Arsenal.
Well now that gap has stretched to 22 and though United have a couple of games in hand they are still destined to finish a country mile behind the eventual Champions.
Of course, that is nothing new for a club which has failed to challenge for the title since Ferguson left the dug-out in 2013.
They still like to think of themselves as the biggest club in the world but that bold claim only holds water if we’re talking about commercial revenue and social media followers.
On the pitch, where it really matters, they’re not even the biggest club in Manchester.
Maybe this is all part of a cunning plan to crash the share price and force the Glazers to lower their asking price.
Because anyone who thinks this lot is worth £6billion needs their head examining.
RING ROO
WAYNE ROONEY has apparently been texting Eddie Hearn asking the promoter to set up fights for him against various celebrity influencers and YouTubers.
Watching Anthony Joshua’s laboured victory over Jermaine Franklin at the weekend, Wazza now probably fancies a crack at the former heavyweight champ.
It would certainly generate more interest than Saturday’s snooze-fest.
BACH UP
OLYMPIC president Thomas Bach has called critics of his proposal to include Russian athletes at next year’s Paris games “deplorable.”
Presumably he’s referring to the outraged Ukrainians, who are ready to boycott the event if any of Putin’s people participate.
Under Bach’s preposterous plans, Russian and Belarussian athletes will be allowed to compete as independent Olympians as long as they have not publicly supported Russia’s illegal invasion of a sovereign nation.
And he doesn’t understand how abhorrent that would be to all the Ukrainians whose heroic resistance has inspired the whole world.
If Britain, the USA and all our western allies are serious in their support for Volodomyr Zelensky, we must make it crystal clear that we will not be part of the IOC’s sportswashing charade.
But don’t hold your breath on that happening because Wimbledon has already been forced to lift their ban on Russian and Belarussian players under the threat of sanctions from the tennis authorities.
And while Russian football teams are banned from international competitions for now, it’s understood that ridiculous FIFA president Gianni Infantino is lobbying for their return.
Don’t forget that Russia has been suspended from all major sporting events since 2019 due to constant breaches of anti-doping regulations.
But now we’re being asked to forget about all the cheating and murdering because international rules are apparently made to be broken.
RAF SERVICE
THERE have been 13 managerial vacancies in the Premier League this season yet Rafa Benitez still remains out of a job.
It makes you wonder if he’s quite the football visionary he would have us all believe.
AUS GOING ON?
DOES anyone know what happened at Sunday’s Australian Grand Prix because I’m f***ed if I could understand how the race was won?
Even world champion Max Verstappen could barely raise a smile when he took his place at the top of the podium after three hours of organised chaos.
With more flags than the world semaphore championships and a restart every couple of laps, it was obvious that no-one had a clue what was going on.
The FIA seemed to be making up the rules as they went along and showed absolutely no consideration for the bewildered spectators at Albert Park.
Maybe it will all make sense when Netflix launches its next series but will anyone bother to wait that long?
TOFFEE WRAPPED
EVERTON have warned that they might not be able to compete as a going concern if they are relegated this season.
How will we be able to tell?
