IF you were a public relations expert back in 2018 and Prince Harry and his stunning fiancée asked you to represent them, you’d be laughing all the way to the bank.
Back then, neither of them actually needed to improve their image because the Royal Family loved them and the UK public utterly adored them.
Former Suits actress Meghan Markle was often referred to as our favourite royal, their fairytale wedding was one of the most watched events in UK history and, together with William and Kate, they made the amazing, hard-working Fab Four.
Fast forward six years and things could not be more different.
But despite the fact Meghan’s popularity now lies just above Prince Andrew’s, the couple have rebranded the sussex.com website and she reportedly wants a PR expert to improve her “popularity problem” in the UK.
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This has to be one of the toughest gigs going, especially when you are dealing with a pompous couple who have refused to listen to anyone.
But I could offer them some PR advice for free.
It starts with having some basic manners and saying, “Please”, “Thank you” and especially, “Sorry.”
Because there are countless apologies to be made.
Pity-me dance of hatred
First for the mud-slinging which truly started when they did the Oprah Winfrey TV interview and threw insults across the Atlantic, knowing that those they were accusing could not bite back.
They need to say sorry to the Royal Family for calling them racists and to Kate, who Meghan claimed had made her cry days before her wedding to Harry.
Harry needs to grovel to those he abused in his memoir Spare.
He needs to say sorry to William after claiming he physically attacked him.
He needs to apologise to Charles for saying he put his own interests above Harry’s and was jealous of Meghan and Kate.
And he must admit how cruel he was to brand Camilla a “villain”.
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To make this work Meghan needs to return to the UK to make all of her apologies and actually prove that she is sorry for her actions.
Jane Atkinson
Then they need to express their regret for the slurs in their lucrative Netflix show, where Meghan mocked having to curtsey to Queen Elizabeth and Harry said William was a bully.
And as well as saying sorry to King Charles and Queen Camilla, plus Kate and William, they need to address their slurs against the people of this country who so enthusiastically embraced Meghan and deserve better.
She needs to say sorry to all those taxpayers who forked out for their amazing £32million wedding, who she later branded racists.
During the past four years, Meghan and Harry have performed an attention-seeking, pity-me dance of hatred towards the UK from abroad while cashing in on their royal status.
Becoming popular again here is something that can never be achieved from their mansion in Montecito.
To make this work Meghan needs to return to the UK to make all of her apologies and actually prove that she is sorry for her actions.
I doubt there is a PR firm in the world that can make that happen.
Book me a break
PANIC set in for me on Tuesday afternoon when I remembered that my five-year-old needed an outfit for World Book Day.
The idea being that if he dresses up as his favourite fictional character, it will encourage his reading and kids will receive a token to spend on books.
But this great idea has turned into a costly annual nightmare.
You’ve got three choices – somehow find the time to craft something from cardboard and sticky-back plastic, send your kid to school without an outfit to become a laughing stock, or do what I did and rush on to Amazon and spend £20 that really could have gone on better things – such as actual books for him to read.
Thankfully some schools have scrapped the costume element of the day because of the cost-of-living crisis.
I hope all classrooms follow suit.
HOW brilliant that the Spice Girls will be reuniting this year.
Mel B told ITV’s Loose Women: “We are definitely doing something.
"I’m probably going to get told off but I’ve said it, there we go! We are doing something this year.”
Let’s hope Ginger Spice Geri is involved – she could do with the distraction.
STEPHEN BEAR was living proof that tattoos can look artistic and cool on someone if they’re young and popular.
But when you’ve done a stretch behind bars, those inkings are transformed to become an advert highlighting what a vile, law-breaking thug you are.
A slim chance to help
IN the same week it was announced doctors will use the NHS app to monitor patients’ step counts on their smartphones, Superdrug launches its home delivery service of weight-loss jab Mounjaro.
Previously it was only available to pick up at a health clinic or pharmacy, but now obese people can sit on their bums at home and wait for it.
Which surely proves that the NHS idea is bonkers.
The health service wants to collect data such as step counts and heart rate, already routinely stored on many mobile phones, to provide personalised advice, screening and treatment that stops people developing major diseases.
But none of us want a big brother-style policy on our phones.
And if overweight people can’t be bothered to get out of the house to burn a few calories as they pick up their jab, the only slim thing about this idea will be the data.
'Pause to fix fears
ONE gift that mothers can actually give to their daughters today is the news that the menopause isn’t always hideous – because science has proven that’s the case.
A series of papers in The Lancet says there is no compelling evidence that menopause increases anxiety, psychosis, suicide or bipolar disorder.
And much of it could just be down to the fact it hits us at a time when women are often dealing with kids, older parents and stressful life events.
My friend’s 26-year-old daughter recently told me that she and her mates are genuinely terrified about what lies ahead for them after hearing the celebrity horror stories.
Maybe it is time for those women who aren’t struggling to shout out about it too, so younger generations know that lives don’t have to end when menopause starts.
Didn’t know Kate? You Moss be joking
THEY say we all have a double somewhere, and for supermodel Kate Moss that is Denise Ohnona.
Denise did a stunt in Manchester where she went shopping in Aldi and now a video of her has gone viral after she attended Paris Fashion Week.
But what must really get up Kate’s nose is Denise claiming she had no idea who the catwalk star even was before she started posing as her lookalike.
This is Denise from Liverpool, not Laos, so I very much doubt that.
Fusspot Rish can sud off
CAN you imagine living with Rishi Sunak? He sounds rather insufferable.
In an interview with Grazia mag, the Prime Minister insisted that he was better at loading the dishwasher than his wife Akshata Murty – and if she attempts to load it, he will come in and re-arrange things.
There is nothing dishy about a control freak husband who criticises your efforts.
If The Geordie tried a manoeuvre like that I’d tell him where to go.
