IT started raining in the UK in the middle of October and hasn’t really stopped since.
The ground is sodden. Rivers have burst their banks. Farmers are desperate and we’ve all got such bad vitamin D deficiency that we are starting to look like forced rhubarb.
So when I heard they’d had a spot of rain in Dubai, my first reaction was, “Diddums!”.
Then I saw the photographs, and read the stats — and holy cow, they had 5.5in of rain in one hour.
That’s normally what they’d expect over 18 months.
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The airport looked like a lake, all of those Godawful shopping malls like swimming pools and the main motorway like the Mekong.
Outside the city, the raging torrent was so vast that camels were being swept away like twigs.
Range Rovers were upended. The earth itself was being reshaped. It was biblical. End of days. Noah stuff. And as I write, the death toll stands at 20.
Of course, as soon as the rain stopped people began to blame the Government, saying their cloud seeding efforts had plainly gone wrong.
Cloud seeding? I thought that was something that only ever happened in Kate Bush videos.
Apparently not. It seems that, during the Vietnam War, the US military dropped silver iodide into the clouds to cause rain, which would make the jungle trails used by the Viet Cong that little bit muddier.
And it seems that the UAE has been using similar technology, shooting chemicals into the sky so that rain will fill the region’s reservoirs.
And now, according to experts, they’ve obviously overdone it.
Someone pushed the wrong button, maybe. Or got the recipe wrong.
Needless to say, this theory has gone down extremely badly with woolly-headed, Greta worshipping British scientists, who say it’s obviously climate change at work and that unless we all vote for Sir Starmer and stop eating meat, the same thing will happen to us.
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In their minds, every disaster is always caused by global warming.
Volcanoes. Earthquakes. Car accidents. Give them half a chance and they’d say my dog’s refusal to “sit” when ordered is down to carbon emissions.
But that said. I’m sceptical about the cloud seeding theory as well, because the first time I went to Dubai, in the early Nineties, when there was only one three- storey hotel, no bars and the market was smaller than the one in Doncaster, it poured down, solidly, for a week.
I think, then, that what we saw in Dubai this week was what we used to call “some weather”.
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WE read this week about a Tory MP called Mark Menzies who apparently called an aide at 3:15 in the morning to say he needed £5,000 to pay “bad people”.
It turns out there have been other stories about Mr Menzies in the past.
One claimed he got a dog drunk, which he denied.
And then you’ve got Labour Deputy Leader Angela Rayner who doesn’t seem to know where she lives, and all of those other MPs who pop up on the news from time to time to smile and say something meaningless.
And all the time, we’re thinking, “How the bloody hell did we end up with this shower?”.
I’m afraid the answer is that we tend to vote for the Prime Minister.
And we forget that when we are in the polling booth, we are actually choosing who we want to represent our constituency.
We need to pay more attention and ask more questions.
Is this person mad? Does he have a beard? Does she have a beard?
Does he get off on tractor porn? Has she got a mysterious RV?
Because if we do that, we’d end up with 650 normal people in the House of Commons, instead of 650 lunatics.
OK, God made some mistakes, and then he created Oz as a place to put them
BONE enthusiasts have announced that Australia used to be home to giant 27st kangaroos that bounced along at speeds of up to 50mph.
This doesn’t surprise me. Because think about it. We’re told that God made all of the world’s creatures, and that must have been a huge undertaking.
One minute he’s working on the elephant, and the next he’s designing a mite that burrows into children’s eyes.
And he knows he’s got the frog, the cow and the wolf to finish off by tea time.
It’s inevitable that sometimes he’d make mistakes. Stuff like the saltwater crocodile or those spiders and snakes that can kill a person just by looking at them.
This is why he created Australia, miles from anywhere.
Where all of his more stupid animal designs could go. The duck-billed platypus, for example.
And the koala, which is permanently stoned and gets chlamydia if you pick up it.
So, of course there were giant kangaroos.
And I bet if the bone people keep looking, they’ll find an ant with teeth the size of kitchen scissors and 14 eyes.
What a Hann
WHEN I first saw Hannah Waddingham in Ted Lasso, I remember thinking she was almost certainly what God had in mind when he made Eve.
The perfect woman. Strong. Confident. And bright.
And this week that theory was confirmed when she told a paparazzo to stop being a d**k after he asked her to show a bit of leg.
Please remind me never to spill Hannah’s pint.
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IT took me about 15 minutes to work out that electric cars were rubbish.
But when I said so, on television, I was called a climate change denier, luddite and fool.
So you can imagine how happy I was yesterday to discover that millions of people are now coming round to my way of thinking.
In Germany, electric car sales fell in March by a whopping 29 per cent. And across the rest of the EU by 11 per cent.
In the UK, where people are carpet-bombed and brainwashed every day by lefty green organisations like the BBC, sales are doing better.
But even so, the share of the market taken by battery-powered cars is down from 16.6 per cent last year to 15.2 per cent in 2024.
Things are so bleak that Tesla is laying off 14,000 people globally. That’s ten per cent of its workforce.
Some say this is all because governments are reducing the tax breaks given.
But it’s mostly because people are waking up to the fact electric cars are expensive, boring to drive, useless for long journeys and, if we are honest, not especially good for the environment.
Greasy goons
THE traditional English breakfast, which does not as one newspaper claimed this week feature hash browns, is dying out because young people think it’s too difficult to make.
They’d rather someone comes round on a moped with an avocado and some weeds.
What this means is that the traditional greasy spoon cafe is dying.
Some experts say that in the whole country only 500 are left.
This saddens me because whenever I’m in London I always make a beeline for the Embassy Cafe in that part of the city that thinks it’s Notting Hill. But isn’t.
I know there are other places that can do a bacon sandwich but they invariably use ciabatta bread and add unnecessary things like cress.
The Embassy guys know it’s sliced white, bacon, lots of grease and that’s it.
