TO most women, the thought of their bloke going through a male version of the menopause is worthy of a large eye roll.
But earlier this year scientists claimed that symptoms of The Change can pass from one partner to the other — resulting in a slump for both, dubbed the couple-pause.
While experiencing mood swings, hot flushes and a low libido can be difficult, a man at home mirroring the symptoms could make things more unpleasant.
Bertie Stringer knows this all too well.
She was planning her wedding when her 46-year-old partner Sheldon got into the habit of giving her a peck on the lips before rolling over to sleep instead of making love to her.
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While Bertie’s sex drive stayed intact during the menopause, Sheldon’s had suddenly fallen off a cliff.
Bertie, 49, says: “Previously, neither of us had ever had any complaints about our sex life.
“It was frequent and satisfying for us both. But now, every time we started having a kiss and a cuddle, Sheldon would turn away before things went any further.
“I was frustrated at the rejections. We were only four years into our relationship.
“We were also in the middle of organising our wedding. Suddenly Sheldon had no more enthusiasm preparing for our big day than he had for sex.
“I worried he’d gone off me, but he insisted he still loved me, still found me attractive and still wanted to marry me, but he just couldn’t be bothered with sex or anything else.”
‘Constantly tired’
Looking back, the pair believe they were going through the couple-pause.
Clinical nutritionist Bertie started having menopausal symptoms in 2019, at the age of 43, with personal trainer Sheldon’s libido noticeably dwindling a few months later when he was 40.
According to the researchers at Tor Vergata University of Rome, who dubbed this phenomenon the couple-pause in February, physical, psychological and relationship changes in middle age can affect both partners — with the sexual problems of one potentially worsening the other’s.
Recalling the early stages of the menopause, Bertie says: “I’d be calm and the next minute I’d be snapping at Sheldon and the kids.
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“I have two daughters aged 12 and 17 from a previous relationship, while Sheldon has a 15-year-old son.
“I had trouble sleeping and felt constantly tired.
“Not wanting to use HRT because I didn’t want to be on meds long-term, I decided to try herbal supplements to help with night sweats.
“Sheldon was supportive, but months later he went from being one of the most easy-going people I know to shouting at me and the kids.
“He had no energy and struggled to get out of bed in the mornings and get through his training sessions with clients.
“On the weekends, the kids and I would want to go out, but all Sheldon wanted to do was lie on the sofa.”
Now the couple believe that these were the first signs of the male menopause — or andropause — where a man’s testosterone levels decline.
Each man has different symptoms, but they tend to fall into three groups — sexual, physical and emotional
Dr Edward Rainbow
Dr Edward Rainbow, a specialist in integrative men’s health for the Marion Gluck Clinic in London, says: “Two to ten per cent of men experience andropause, usually starting in a small number of males from age 40. It’s a controversial condition for many reasons, which include it not being well recognised by doctors, with little or no training about it at medical school.
“Each man has different symptoms, but they tend to fall into three groups — sexual, physical and emotional.
“Sexual problems are most common, such as lack of arousal and erection difficulties.
“Physically, men can put on belly and chest fat, lose muscle mass, and get hot flushes.
“Mental problems include demotivation, depression and anxiety.”
For Bertie, the most significant change was their sex life suddenly dying.
She says: “Even with the night sweats and fatigue, my libido was the same as always. But now, when I tried to get close, Sheldon would pull away.
“We tried to think if something had happened to cause such a drastic change. We even looked at his diet.
“Like a lot of men, Sheldon liked snacking late at night while watching television in bed and I tried to get him to clean up his act but nothing made any difference.
“It was frustrating for both of us and upsetting for Sheldon. We were always an active get-up-and-go couple and not knowing what was causing Sheldon’s lack of energy was terrifying.”
Sheldon adds: “Even though I hated seeing Bertie upset when I’d turn her down, losing interest in everything that used to give me joy — like riding my motorcycle or working out — was just as bad.”
After six months, Bertie convinced Sheldon to go to his GP.
‘Lose focus around sex’
Sheldon said: “I was given three antidepressants — citalopram, sertraline and Prozac — but they didn’t do any good, so I stopped taking them after six months.”
Bertie adds: “I was still dealing with my own mood swings and crippling fatigue. Coping with Sheldon’s as well was difficult.”
Dr Rainbow says: “Some couples could experience menopause and testosterone deficiency at the same time, which would make things very hard for both. Unfortunately, this area is overlooked or poorly understood by NHS doctors.”
Luckily, the clinic where Bertie worked as a nutritionist was treating two men for low testosterone.
She recalls: “Their symptoms were exactly the same as Sheldon’s.
“I didn’t even know there was a male equivalent of The Change. Sheldon was just as shocked when I suggested it to him and encouraged him to get tests done at the clinic.
“The results revealed I had more testosterone than Sheldon, so he was indeed going through the andropause.”
Sheldon adds: “Like most men, I’d not heard of the male menopause.”
Now he had a diagnosis, the question was, what next?
Dr Emmanuele Jannini, who was head of Tor Vergata University’s couple-pause study, suggests the best treatment is therapy or counselling.
For couples experiencing a slump in the bedroom, Marina Lazaris, who is a relationships expert and author of Men Need Love Too, recommends reconnecting by having candid conversations about what you each enjoy about sex.
She says: “Gazing into each other’s eyes is a powerful tool to connect you back to seeing your partner fully.
“I would also say that you crave more sex when you’re living a life of fulfilment and passion. So lose the focus around sex.”
For a medical approach, the NHS can offer testosterone replacement therapy as either an injection or gel if tests confirm that the man has a hormone deficiency.
'Definite stigma'
Sheldon was offered this but did not want synthetic hormones.
Instead, the couple used Bertie’s knowledge as a nutritionist and Sheldon’s as a personal trainer to try natural remedies and lifestyle changes.
“I started doing research and worked alongside a lab to come up with a natural remedy that would support low testosterone and the symptoms of andropause," Bertie says.
“Within a few months of taking it, his mood and energy levels improved and then after about six months, so did his libido. I knew things were back to where they’d been when one evening we kissed and cuddled and Sheldon didn’t pull away from me after a few seconds."
After a few months, Sheldon had a renewed energy, and six months later his libido improved.
The couple married in South Africa, where Sheldon is originally from, and now believe they are through the worst of the couple-pause.
Bertie says: “I knew things were back to where they had been when one evening we kissed and cuddled and Sheldon didn’t pull away from me after a few seconds.”
Sheldon adds: “There’s a definite stigma attached to andropause. You feel judged by people and even some GPs think it’s all a figment of the imagination.
“After my diagnosis, I made a point of speaking to friends and I was surprised to find that all of them experienced the same issues I had.
“It’s hard to explain how it felt to be me again, to have the energy to get through the day, or to go for a long bike ride, or to be intimate with Bertie.
“I count my blessings to be married to someone like her.
“She never gave up on me — not even when I was biting her head off and pushing her away.”
The experience inspired Sheldon and Bertie to set up the men’s health brand DNA, selling hormonal supplements for men experiencing declining testosterone.
For more information about DNA, visit dnahormonalhealth.com
