When Georgia Kousoulou bravely shared the news of her baby loss in April, she was met with an outpouring of support.
But the truth behind losing her much-wanted baby at 12 weeks was even more harrowing than she’d let her social media followers and viewers of Baby Steps, the ITVBe reality show she stars in with fiancé Tommy Mallet, 31, know.
It’s only now that she feels able to open up about the rare chromosome disorder that meant their baby had no chance of survival.
The discovery left Georgia, 32, with the agony of having to undergo a termination – had she continued with the pregnancy, her baby would have been miscarried or stillborn.
In our emotional interview, Georgia, who is mum to Brody, two, describes her grief and hopes for the future.
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First of all, Georgia, how are you?
I’m in such a better headspace than I was a few months ago. I didn’t know how I was ever going to feel OK again. I’m blessed to have Brody – he’s been my saviour.
He just lights up my day and pushes me to be myself again, but I don’t think I’ll ever fully mend that hole in my heart. I’m learning to live with it, although there are moments I get triggered.
What are the triggers?
I’ve had friends announce they’re pregnant, and I’m over the moon for them, but at the same time it breaks my heart. I’m not a bad person, that’s just how it feels.
You had spoken last year about wanting another baby – when did you find out you were pregnant?
I was on holiday in Mallorca in February, and Tommy went to the chemist to buy a test, which was positive. We were so happy – the timing was perfect.
The baby was due to be born this October and I wanted to get married next September.
When did you first get an inkling that something wasn’t right?
I had a bleed at nine weeks. I called the doctor, who told me to see what happened overnight, and the next day I bled some more.
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I texted the midwife who’d delivered Brody, and she advised me to get a scan. I was so relieved to see and hear the heartbeat, but the doctor said she was concerned about the size of the amniotic sac.
It’s a very hard thing to take in when someone says your baby isn’t going to survive, but you’re watching that same baby moving around.
Georgia Kousoulou
I was put on strong folic acid and pessaries twice a day and told to come back in two weeks. My anxiety was through the roof.
What happened when you went back?
The doctor said the sac had grown a bit, but that it wasn’t where she wanted it to be.
I asked if she thought something was wrong with this baby, and she said she did, but we would need to wait another fortnight to know for sure.
For two weeks I prayed in church, had holy water next to my bed and I was taking every vitamin I could – anything to save this baby.
When you returned for the third scan at 12 weeks pregnant, how was that?
It gives me nightmares remembering that day. I was watching my baby kicking on the screen, and it looked bigger than in the last scan. But the doctor said the sac had got smaller. I burst into tears.
When were you told about triploid syndrome?
The doctors talked about a chromosome issue, and I assumed they meant something like Down’s syndrome.
But the doctor explained that my baby had triploid syndrome, a condition where a cell has 69 chromosomes instead of 46, which causes several congenital growth abnormalities.
Most babies with triploid are miscarried or stillborn. Those who survive birth only live for a few hours and, although a handful have lived for a few months, the mortality rate is basically 100%.
The doctor said he needed to remove the baby as soon as possible.
How do you get your head round such devastating news?
It’s a very hard thing to take in when someone says your baby isn’t going to survive, but you’re watching that same baby moving around.
If there had been no heartbeat, it might have been easier to accept. I asked if it was my fault, or if there was anything I could have done differently.
He said it was incredibly rare and nobody was to blame, but I couldn’t stop torturing myself.
So you agreed to the termination?
I couldn’t stay pregnant knowing my baby was dying inside me – it would have been horrific.
I know some people go through miscarriages and can’t think about trying again, but I desperately want to have another baby.
Georgia Kousoulou
They were able to book me in the next day so I could start the grieving process properly. But I was devastated to think I wasn’t going to be pregnant any more.
They put me under to do the operation, and I remember waking up feeling so sad, lonely and empty.
You were filming the fourth series of Baby Steps while this was happening. Did you consider walking away from the show?
After the procedure, I was in the darkest place I’d ever been. We cancelled filming while I recovered, but after a few days Tommy and I realised this wasn’t us.
We’d promised viewers that we’d show the good and bad bits of our life. Filming was a bit like therapy, as it meant we had to talk about it.
Why is baby loss still so difficult to talk about do you think?
No one knows what to say, so sometimes it’s easier not to mention it.
Everyone’s situation is different, and I know what happened to me is very rare, but whatever stage of pregnancy you’re at, when that’s taken away, you’re grieving and we need to share those stories.
How much of a support has Tommy been?
He’s really stepped up as a partner, as a dad to Brody and in the household.
I told him he needed to show his emotions too, and he did break down a few times, which I’m glad for. I didn’t want him being strong for me and bottling everything up himself.
Does it make you worried about getting pregnant again?
I know some people go through miscarriages and can’t think about trying again, but I desperately want to have another baby. My periods recently returned, which gives me hope.
What are you hoping speaking publicly like this will achieve?
I want other people going through baby loss to know they’re not on their own. My followers helped me and I hope I can help them.
Amazing things happen when women come together and talk, so if I can be a voice for others, then I’m so happy to do that.
Follow Georgia on Instagram @georgiakousoulou.
